Negotiation Skills for Couples

For many couples, arguing becomes the primary focus of their relationship, leaving the nurturing, fun and joyful aspects of their relationship behind.  Developing strategies to manage conflict can strengthen your relationship and allow you to move forward toward positive change.

The following three steps can help you create a “couple communications” strategy:

1. Each of you must understand your own needs as an individual. Develop lists of your individual wants, needs and desires as a way to understand what you what your partner might need. Be specific.  For example, if you need alone time, state what that consists of and how much time you need.  If more family time is desired, specify what constitutes family time for you.
2. Determine which items you can take care of individually, remembering that you were two individuals before you came together as a couple and that each has different needs and desires. Allowing each other to pursue your own individual activities can bring richness and discovery to your couple-hood, facilitating strength and interest for both partners.
3. Review your lists for items that are couple focused, items that you prefer to do together or can be shared, such as household chores and family activities. Provide detail, including the how and the when.  Once you have developed your lists, each partner may choose two items to present to the other partner. Review your requests and negotiate with each other regarding how to reach the goals you have outlined.
4. Remember that any successful negotiation benefits from both partners being well rested and fed before the conversation begins, at time that works for both.  Each person makes his or her requests and negotiates regarding how to facilitate reaching the goals.
5. Keep the discussion focused on the specifics of that request. Avoid discussing or bringing up any other issues. Create a timeline and be willing to try new suggestions. For example, if a partner would like to go out more but money is an issue, consider going out for an appetizer and then cooking dinner at home or taking a picnic to a spot you both enjoy.  Once an issue has been agreed upon, try it out.  Then, listen to the next issue.

Identifying individual wants, needs and desires is useful tool in assisting couples in meeting their own needs in their partnership.  Communicating your needs in an effective, focused manner can allow you to set up specific goals and meet them.  These strategies can be useful in avoiding unwanted arguments and resolving concerns so that couples can focus more on the joys of being together!

By Leslie Baker Marriage and Family Therapist at Therpy2Thrive, a family counseling center in Pleasanton