Therapy2Thrive™
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Chasing Happy
“All I want is to be happy”
“No matter what happens, I just want you to be happy”
“Happy wife, happy life”
“Don’t worry, be happy”
These are all common things we hear and they all seem to indicate a belief that most of us carry which is… “The ultimate goal is to live a happy life”. My clients frequently talk with me about a deep struggle in not feeling happy or that they are not happy about some or many of the things in their lives. This has me thinking about “happy” and if it is something that we should really be chasing.
When I think about “happy” people my mind pictures people laughing on the beach, eating out with a large group of friends where everyone is engaged and talking about their lives and important issues of the day, and I also picture beautiful romantic moments with a partner with whom we feel safe, loved, and valued. My clients often share these idealized views and it seems that chasing these beliefs of what happiness is are not particularly helpful in my lives.
As a result, I have begun to help my clients identify what their beliefs and expectations are around being happy and we take those apart and really explore them. What we often find is their idea of what a happy life looks like is idealized and even somewhat unrealistic. It isn’t uncommon that their idea of what constitutes a happy life isn’t something that they are all that excited about but somehow they have accepted this belief is what is supposed to make them happy. In brief, they feel that if they are not living that “happy life” then there is something wrong. Understandably, this causes a lot of hurt, self-doubt, and even hopelessness.
It seems to me that “happy” is something we can identify that has already taken place. It is usually easy to look back in my life and identify a happy moment, or a happy time. However, if we could actually go back to those times they were also likely happening in the context of worry about the future, uncertainty about career or relationships, and even sadness about losses we have survived. In essence I have begun to see “happy” not as something that takes place in the moment but rather it is something we can see was with us in reflection on the past.
As a result, instead of “chasing” a happy life, I have begun to help my clients look at chasing after some things that seem reachable in the here and now and can create a life that feels meaningful.
Second, contentment is another key element. I certainly know when we are not content in my personal or professional life. When we chase contentment we can string together a lot of good experiences, and my lives seem to fit with my inner experience of who we hope to be.
Third, connections are fundamentally necessary for us as humans. As we chase (and hopefully create) healthy connectivity my lives become fuller and richer. I can be connected to many things such as my family, friends, pets, and hobbies. Without connections humans are adrift which contributes to isolation and sometimes a sense of being unlovable.
Next time you do not feel happy in my life, perhaps consider if you have connections, are content personally and professionally, and have joy in my life. If these are not present in my life, they are often things we can work to create. Thus, we can stop “chasing happy” and instead have joy, connections, and contentment.
Therapy2Thrive™ brings Hope for Healing
Your counselor at Therapy2Thrive™ provide compassionate, practical, and evidenced based practices to assist you in the therapeutic process to meet your goals and find hope to heal the challenges you are facing.
Contact my family counselor in Pleasanton for private consultation.