Couples often seek out counseling after the discovery of an infidelity.  Infidelity can happen for different reasons, and every story has its own twists and turns, but if couples could have a way of turning back the clock, what could they (or each partner) do differently, if anything?  I love the quote from Neil Barringham, “The grass is always greener where you water it.”  This gives some important hints as to what couples can do to safeguard their relationship from infidelity.

We know from the research of Dr. John Gottman with over 3,000 couples what couples do who are successful.  What are these couples doing that help them steer clear of danger and instead stay connected?  Here are a few things:

Idea 1: They keep updated on their partner’s world so that each feels known in the relationship.  This is part of the dating process, but sometimes couples forget to continue “getting to know” each other.  Just because you used to know your partner’s likes and dislike, triumphs and stresses, doesn’t mean that this has stayed the same.  What does your partner’s day look like?  If you were to describe your partner’s world to someone, how close would you be to accurate?

Idea 2: Masters of relationship cultivate affection and respect in their relationship by creating and maintaining habits of mind that look for things to admire, appreciate and be proud of in one another.  They also avoid making negative comparisons of their partner with others.   The cultivation of fondness and admiration in particular can inoculate a relationship against infidelity.  But do not ignore the other aspects of a healthy relationship, these also work to water the relationship.

Idea 3: Couples who have consistent ways of connecting emotionally (turning towards one another in the tiny moments of the day) build a fund of positive interactions they can rely on in tough times (a savings account against a misunderstanding or difficult interaction on a rainy day).

All of these work toward building a positive fund of resources that make it possible for couples to have access to patience, humor, and affection, even when discussing a disagreement.  We call this the Positive Perspective.  If we have a bad moment or interaction with our partner and we have been good friends lately, I won’t take it personally.  On the other hand, if I don’t feel my partner is on my team, I may snap back in the moment and later begin to wonder if the “grass is greener” elsewhere.

But what about conflict?  How do couple’s who stay together handle disagreements?  Isn’t this a cause to think of greener pastures?  It turns out that all couples have conflict.  Masters in relationship have gentler ways of managing this and can disagree with one another.  In fact, masters of relationship use these times to grow closer.  How?  Masters have ways of discussing complaints without criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling, have ways of managing minor disagreements with aplomb, and have also learned to create dialogue around issues that keep coming up.  They know how to repair when they screw up, and accept one another’s repairs.  These are all skills that can be learned – Dr. Gottman is fond of saying that he “stole” a bunch of great stuff from everyday couples who picked up these skills along the way.

Masters also work to make their life dreams come true and create shared meaning in their lives.  If you are working together to do wonderful things together, there is no greener grass elsewhere.  If I can trust that, “my partner has my back and is there for me,” and I know that we each believe that this relationship helps us complete our lifelong journey successfully (or if we have trouble we are committed to make things better), then I know I need not look elsewhere for greener grass!

For more information on how to incorporate these things into your relationship, check out…  www.gottman.com for lots of great resources including books, workshops, and so much more. If you are looking to enrich your relationship please join us at Therapy2Thrive for one of our upcoming trainings. To learn more go to… https://therapy2thrive.com/couples-workshop/