“The right person will just know me.” How often have you heard this statement? While it may have some bits of truth to it, the reality is that in order to have this knowing, “the right person” will work hard in the relationship in concert with you to understand you and have you understand them. All relationships are alive—they are in constant movement and must be fed, nurtured, and cared for in order to grow. When people can communicate openly and honestly about what they are thinking, feeling and need, this gives others the opportunity to know how to treat them and connect in deeper, more meaningful ways.

These needs that are communicated in healthy relationships are boundaries—personal guidelines for what we are willing to put into a relationship and how we wish to be treated. Whether it is boundaries with friends, family, partners, bosses, neighbors—whomever we interact with on a day to day basis, these limits serve to set up appropriate expectations, establish mutual trust and model healthy self-care. Without these limits in our relationships with others, we risk those relationships becoming toxic and being taken advantage of or feeling hurt and misunderstood. Others need to know how to treat you and act around you; otherwise you will end up feeling disrespected.

Healthy boundaries fuel healthy relationships and unhealthy boundaries tend to perpetuate as well. And it’s true, boundaries require work. Things that are important rarely come easy. It requires internal reflection about who we are, what we need and what we won’t allow. Then it requires the direct, outward expression of those needs. In basic steps, setting boundaries with others looks like:

1) Reflection

It’s hard to ask for your needs to be met if you don’t know what they are. So start by asking yourself some questions about what you want in your relationships. Do I feel comfortable, safe and respected in this relationship? Do I feel pressure to do things I don’t really want to do? Do I feel heard and valued? Am I happy and fulfilled?

2) Communication

Using “I” statements and focusing the conversation around your feelings and what you need rather than focusing on what the other person is doing wrong is an effective way to approach boundary conversations. “I felt hurt and misunderstood yesterday” will be received differently than “You hurt my feelings yesterday.” Being assertive is not being demanding, it is being open and honest about what you need and how you will protect yourself. “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard. It is important to me that we set aside the time to be with and listen to each other.” Being able to understand and assert your boundaries will serve you kindly in many ways. You are protecting and conserving your emotional energy which will positively impact your mental health. It will also strengthen your self-esteem/confidence as well as create pathways to reconnect with your deeper self.