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The Secret of a Good Relationship
For most of us, relationships are the best part of life yet, at the same time, they also tend to be the most difficult part of life. If you are looking for the perfect relationship, you will definitely find yourself disappointed. Humans are inherently imperfect and subsequently, even if we try our best, we are bound to make mistakes and end up having conflicts.
What if I told you that the goal of a good relationship is not to avoid conflict but rather to become a master at managing it? Most likely, this is not what you want to hear but it is true. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have done research on interpersonal relationships since the 1970s and they have determined that there are certain ways the “masters” versus the “disasters” of relationships behave. The following information draws from this incredible and eye-opening body of research.
Take a moment to think of a relationship in your life that is 100% conflict free. Here is the list of the people in your life you didn’t mention: your partner, your family, your close friends, your co-workers…
Once you accept that conflict is an inevitable part of life, you can actively improve your communication and conflict-management skills. Consequently, you will find yourself in happier and stronger relationships.
Here are three core elements of constructive conflict resolution:
1. Softened Startup
Clearly, the way a person presents their grievance determines greatly how the rest of the conversation will play out. Drs. John and Julie Gottman recommend this simple approach:
“I feel…
(about)
and I need…”
It’s ok to complain but not to blame.
For example, if your partner has forgotten to buy eggs during their last grocery shopping trip, you could approach the situation in multiple ways:
Option 1: Blaming
- “You always forget something when you go shopping. You just don’t care. And now you are going to tell me that you can’t be bothered to go back.”
Option 2: Complaining
- “I am really upset that you forgot to get the eggs even though I put them on the list. Please go back to the store and get them.”
2. Listening and Validating
Responding to a complaint is the key to a productive conflict. There are 3 elements to this step.
- Listen without prejudice or assumptions.
- Validate what you hear in the “I feel” part. You don’t have to agree but show that you heard the way the other person feels and that you care about what they have to say.
- Summarize what you heard and ask the other person if you got it right.
Example:
- Listen. Silently. Do not say anything until the other person is done speaking. Maybe nod.
- “I am sorry to see you so upset.”
Yes, it’s very simple and effective.
3. Accepting Influence and Willingness to Compromise
According to Drs. Gottman, 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual, meaning they have no solution, while 31% of relationship problems can be solved. “The masters of conflict”, those who have healthy and happy relationships, accept their partner’s influence and try to find compromises that permit both people in the relationship to feel satisfied.
Compromises can take all shapes and forms and can be as individual as a relationship. For example, finding a compromise can include saying “yes” to something that you might not feel excited about right now but is important to your friend. What matters is that it’s a true compromise and not a one-upmanship. It’s not a compromise if it feels like a “tit for tat” situation.
1. Accepting Influence:
- Person 1: “I’d like to go to the car show this weekend. Want to join me?”
- Person 2: “Ok. I know you love car shows and I’d like to spend time together.”
2. Willingness to Compromise:
- Person 1: “You’ve been working long hours for the past few weeks. I feel lonely and need some quality time together, can we have dinner together tomorrow?”
- Person 2: “I am sorry you feel lonely. I have to finish my project by Friday. Would it be ok if I promise you that we will spend time together this weekend?”
In a nutshell, the three elements of constructive conflict resolution are:
A. Softened Startup
B. Listening and Validating
C. Accepting Influence and the Willingness to Compromise
It might sound too good to be true but these simple communication techniques are used by “the masters” of relationships and have been proven to work over and over again.
Simply express your feelings in “I” statements, clearly state what has triggered these feelings in a non-blaming fashion and ask directly for what you need to feel better. Second, listening – really listening with an open mind – and validating are crucial to managing a difficult discussion in a productive manner. Validate the other person’s feelings – you don’t have to agree – and don’t make excuses or become defensive. Third, if there is no clear solution to a problem that both parties can easily agree on, it’s time to find a compromise. In good relationships, each partner has built a “bank account” of goodwill and, at times, will allow their partner to “cash in” some of that goodwill. Compromising is a key ingredient of happy relationships and with practice it will allow you to become a relationship “master” yourself.
Source: Drs. John & Julie Gottman. https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/
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