Discipline as Punishment or Praise?
It’s a sunny, crisp Sunday afternoon and you’re standing in the kitchen preparing a delicious crust-free sandwich lunch. Samantha and Ellie are sitting at the kitchen table coloring together. There have been moments of bickering between the two since the start of their activity, mostly about sharing the crayons and you have been pleading with them to share nicely since the start. As you bring over the sandwiches, tension at the table spills over. Samantha grabs the yellow crayon from Ellie’s hand and begins throwing the other crayons across the table and onto the floor while Ellie is screaming and crying in her seat. Frustrations are high as you put the plate of sandwiches down, start picking up the strewn crayons and with an embittered tone, you instruct Samantha to go to her room. The emotional outcome of this situation is a combination of exasperation, annoyance, sadness, anger and frustration.
Does this or some variation of this sound all too familiar? The discipline technique described is the age-old method called the “time out”. The logic being to discourage negative behaviors by placing children in boring situations which they will want to avoid (usually being left alone). Within the process of withholding attention to the behaviors, we are also withholding attention to the whole child. Author of Connection Parenting, Pam Leo points out that, “Children need love most when they appear to deserve it least.” Children depend on caregiver attention to develop socially, emotionally and cognitively. These are their developmental tasks. The issue with the time-out method is that it denies attention altogether in a moment of great need. It separates the child from the caregiver and leaves them with the mature task of managing big emotions on their own. In this situation, Samantha is sent to her room in a frustrated, sad and angry state. An alternative to the traditional time-out technique is aptly labeled “time-in”. It is focused on utilizing positive, strengths-based strategies to dealing with unwanted behaviors in children. The time-in approach still has the child take a break but with the full attention of their parent/caregiver. A time-in is about creating a calm and safe space for the emotional storm to pass and then seizing the opportunity to grow from it by working together. But how does a time-in work? Here are 3 main steps to using the time-in approach.
Soft Arrival
Approach the situation with calm, gentle empathy. (This may require an increased awareness of your own process of self-soothing.) It can sound something like, “Samantha, I can see that you’re very angry right now. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s take a little break together.” This communicates the message that the current behaviors are not acceptable, but it also validates their feelings and lets them know that they are not alone in trying to manage it all. This first part doesn’t require many, if any (dependent on age and developmental level) words to be spoken, most important is to maintain a calm presence and acknowledge their struggle. The space that you invite your child to enter with you needs to be a safe space—a place where you will be there to love and support them through their emotional storm. If you find that they are pushing you away and don’t want you to be with them, that’s okay, sometimes we just need some distance. In this case, your message can sound something like, “Samantha, I hear that you don’t want me to be too close to you right now. I will just sit over here and when you are ready, I’ll be right here.” This respects their need for space without ignoring their need for support.
Engage in Mindful Activities
During the time-in, having various activities (or tools) for your child and you to engage in can greatly help to regulate their system and regain control. You can engage in the activities with or next to your child to model calm behaviors. Some ideas for fun time-in tools are:
- A calm jar https://www.thesprucecrafts.com/diy-calming-glitter-jars-4137363
- Putty/playdough
- Stress ball
- Crayons/markers and paper or coloring sheets
Get Your Learn On…Together
Once the storm has passed and the clouds part, you can begin to process what happened. Ask questions to elicit a collaborative conversation about what happened and what ways the child can make different choices next time for a better outcome. This can sound like, “Samantha, I wonder what could have gone differently when you were starting to feel frustrated while coloring with Ellie?” If they can’t come up with anything, you can offer suggestions. By asking and listening to their ideas, you are empowering their sense of self and helping them build problem solving skills which is an essential skillset to learn in order to tackle future conflicts.
With your calm participation in the time-in approach, you are modeling the positive behaviors you seek. Sometimes a traditional time-out away from an emotionally overwhelming situation is what might be called for, but as a suggestion to move your child towards better, more effective self-regulation, integrating positive time-ins to the mix can help develop upon this crucial skill. Every moment for a child is a learning opportunity for their growth—good, bad and ugly. When we start to change our perspective on discipline from punishment to praise, we are better meeting their developmental needs and encouraging positive connections.