Are you hard on yourself when bad things happen? Feel as if you could of, or should of, done things differently? People who pay attention to what they did wrong, or what they could have done, are at risk for prolonged periods of sadness, feelings of helplessness and anxiety. Thankfully, deepening our understanding, and awareness, of how we explain adverse life events will lead to shifts in our thinking and ease our anxiety. Read more to learn how small changes in how we interpret events will shift your mood.

Too many times folks walk away from an interaction with a friend, co-worker or child, leave a work meeting, or come home from a weekend with the in-laws and feel as though they are to blame for an awkward moment, tense conversation, poor decision, or negative circumstance. Moreover, people may anticipate an upcoming event and get flooded with “what-if” scenarios that typically do not end well. If this sounds familiar, you may have a pessimistic explanatory style, that may leave you second guessing your role in events, and dwell on outcomes. A pessimistic explanatory style has three main ingredients, which can be challenged, and shifted, with thoughtful attention and some hard work.

Pessimistic Explanatory Style:

1. It’s personal. The first ingredient attributes a negative event or outcome to internal causes. Folks who look inward first, and blame themselves when things go wrong, fall under this category. All-my-fault thinking leads to an over-focus on the self, and can result in anxiety and stress.
2. When will it end? Many times people who have a pessimistic explanatory style believe adverse events are not only caused by them, but also aren’t likely to change. For example, you have a work interview that didn’t go well. You may believe you are simply not good at interviews, and this won’t change. Being on the spot can trigger social anxiety, and you just don’t do well in job interviews.
3. Generalization. This category emphasizes attributing events to global causes. A pessimist may say to himself, “People are generally not trustworthy.” It’s a global assessment that may be hard to change.

If any of these categories sound like thoughts you have had, don’t fret – there is another way! An optimistic explanatory style can help you shift your thinking, which will shift your mood and ultimately your well-being!

Optimistic Explanatory Style:

1. It wasn’t me – it was the situation. When we can identify three things about a specific event outside of ourselves, we move away from “it’s all my fault” thinking to external factors outside our immediate control. Next time an upsetting event happens, remember to think about three things in the situation that contributed to the problem.
2. This too shall pass. When people interpret adverse events as temporary and situational, they can empower themselves to move forward and learn from what happened. For example, rather than say “I am just no good at interviews,” an optimist may say, “That interview wasn’t my best, now I know more what to expect and I will prepare better next time.”
3. Things will change. The optimist does not attribute negative events as stable, and general; rather, the optimist sees these events outside of their control, situational and thus unstable.

In summary, when we interpret adverse events as specific to the situation, outside of our control, and temporary, we will be more able to face inevitable bumps in the road with more ease and confidence! Try it and see what happens.

For more information on explanatory style, see Martin Seligman: Learned Optimism

By Jennifer Porter, M.A., Ed., AMFT Associate Counselor at Therapy2Thrive counseling center in Pleasanton