How To Become An Emotion Coach For Your Child

Have you ever found yourself uncomfortable with your child’s emotions in a given situation? Like when he got his feelings hurt or shared with tears his friends did not want to play with him? Or when she thought she did poorly on an exam and started sobbing? It can be challenging to witness our child’s pain or emotional reaction to certain events. In these moments, loving parents want to rid their child of negative feelings and may react in an automatic way to “fix” the problem. A parent may say, “Hey, don’t get down and be overly sensitive, think about all the friends you do have!” Or, “Next time, study more before you take the exam, and then you won’t feel so bad.” These comments, while well intentioned, may miss an opportunity for closeness and connection. To become an emotion coach and teach children all feelings are okay and important, we model responsiveness, connection and intimacy. Through this parent and child interaction, children learn to self-soothe and develop into emotionally intelligent adults.

Here’s how:

1. When your child experiences a strong feeling, be aware of his emotion and put yourself in his shoes – empathy. When doing this, parents initially seek to understand their own associateal experience, and then that of their child. For example, parents who recognize their own emotions, become sensitive to the feelings of others, especially their children.
2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching. When you put yourself in your child’s shoes, you are letting them know you understand their associateal world, and that they are important and worthy. Intimacy develops when someone listens and sits with another person’s feelings.
3. Listen empathetically and validate your child’s feelings. When you listen with empathy, you look for nonverbal cues (watch your child’s body language when they are sharing) and use your heart and imagination. Parents reflect back what they hear or feel without trying to change or take away the feeling. Many parents feel what children feel at the same time! Then name the feeling for your child. “Wow, that must have been upsetting when your friends didn’t want to play with you. I bet you felt sad and maybe even lonely.” Don’t worry; if you don’t get the feeling right, kids love to correct their parents!
4. Help your child verbally label emotions. Children sometimes experience emotions as scary or “too big” to handle. When you label your child’s feelings, you are letting them know they can handle it by providing concrete and specific feedback. Labeling your child’s feelings after empathic listening will increase your child’s emotional vocabulary (super helpful!) and the idea that feelings can change and range in intensity. This will help children in a variety of ways throughout their life. (It sure helps them move away from “all or nothing” thinking!)
5. Set limits and help your child problem solve. After you have moved through the four steps, it’s time to problem solve. For smaller children, limits will be important here, such as being clear about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors when angry – “All feelings are okay and you choose your behavior” – so the rule is: no hitting, name calling or yelling. After the rule is clearly stated, parents can help children identify other, and more positive, ways to express their upset (you can go to your room and yell in a pillow, scribble and rip up a sheet of paper, use your words to express your feelings etc.). For older children, this step allows children to walk through different outcomes with their parent to determine the best options and outcomes (weigh out the pros and cons with your kids!).

 

By Jennifer Porter, M.A., Ed, MFT Associate, at Therapy2Thrive counseling center in Pleasanton

John Gottman – Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child – The Heart of Parenting