Finding a Qualified Marriage and Family Therapist or Mental Health Provider

Leslie Baker, MA, Marriage and Family Therapist in Pleasanton

Finding a good qualified marriage and family therapist is like finding a favorite pair of shoes—they provide you with therapeutic support and comfort while helping you reach my destination. But finding a competent mental health provider may be a little more complicated than finding the perfect pair of shoes. Understanding how to locate and choose a qualified mental health provider as well as some of the basic elements that assist people in therapeutic change can be crucial for positive outcomes in treatment.

Choosing what type of therapist or practitioner to seek is an important first step. Mental health providers that provide psychotherapy may include licensed clinical social workers, qualified marriage and family therapists and licensed professional counselors. Along with psychotherapy, psychologists can also provide testing for mental health issues and psychiatrists may provide medication. Although primary care doctors do not provide psychotherapy, they often can provide referrals to a qualified mental health professional.

The next task in finding a competent psychotherapist is making sure that the practitioner is a licensed professional by the state in which they provide psychotherapy. Most states provide a website for their consumers where a person can verify if the practitioner is qualified by that state to provide psychotherapy.

In addition to checking with my state, ask family and friends for referrals or check out sites like Psychologytoday.com or other therapy referral websites. These websites often offer some access to the practitioner’s professional specialties and office information and give a glimpse at the particular approaches used in treatment. Then, choose a minimum of three different counselors therapists or practitioners to try out and see with whom you feel comfortable.

The final step is to take the time, either by phone or in person, to speak directly with the practitioner. Clinicians may offer a free phone consultation ranging from 15 to 20 minutes. It may also help to schedule a one-time, paid appointment to meet the clinician face to face to determine if he or she is the right “fit” for you.

Some questions to consider in talking with a clinician include:

• How long have you been practicing as a marriage and family therapist?
• What type of training have you completed in this specific treatment area?
• What is my general approach to treating this concern?
• How long does treatment usually last?
• How will you measure progress toward treatment goals?

During these conversations, you want to look for a positive rapport with the clinician, develop an understanding of their expertise with that particular concern and have a general understanding about how they would work toward assisting you in meeting my goals. Developing an understanding of how they might resolve any barriers that arise during therapy is also important. This prevents a client from staying in treatment that is not providing effective change.

It may take some time to find qualified marriage and family therapist. But, once found, he or she can help provide support and comfort throughout life’s journey—just like that perfect pair of shoes.

Please contact Leslie Baker at Therapy2Thrive™ Counseling Center in Pleasanton  at 925-998-3392 for help on my marriage counseling, teen issues, and individual counseling needs.

Almost all couples have encountered a certain type of issue in their relationship. Some are very tense, even hard to bear; some are moderate and might be tolerable. But they all lead to stressful and negative interpersonal experiences. A good relationship between couples is essential for lifelong interpersonal happiness.

What benefits can people get from couple therapy?

1. An effective and positive communication pattern between couples

]This is the most important outcome you can expect from couple therapy. Communication is not just talking, telling, or lecturing, and it is never a monologue. It is a reciprocal process that always involves positive listening, an active response, clarification, feedback, and adjustment.
Some people believe that because we’ve been together for so long and share similar interests and habits, she (he) should know what I’m thinking, and she (he) knows even if I don’t say anything. Poor communication patterns can sow many hidden dangers in marital life. Many couples produce conflict, mutual blame, suspicion, and even extramarital affairs. A very important reason is the long-term ineffective communication caused by the decline in the quality of marriage.

Being sensitive to culture is an important ethical issue for therapists. Typically, when people think of culture, they usually think of ethnicity. Religion, which is a guiding force in many people’s lives, is usually overlooked. Even though, for some, this is a very important part of who they are, it doesn’t always make it into the therapy room.

Christian therapists also know from their experiences in that community, that many religious folks seek therapists of their own faith or failing that, someone who is at least spiritual. In the past, the religious community didn’t often avail themselves to therapy services. Instead, they would turn to religious leaders. Many were afraid to seek therapy outside of their church. Fears included therapists who might try to discourage or counter their beliefs and values or being influenced to do something they might feel was wrong. In addition, mental illness was sometimes viewed as a matter of faith: if you were anxious or depressed there was something to repent of or you just needed to pray more and have greater faith.

Views are changing. While some clergy do have training as mental health counselors, many do not. More messages from religious leaders of compassion for those who suffer from a mental disorder as well as encouragement to seek help from a trained professional.

Some religious community members (of all faiths) suggest to consider the following when seeking therapy:

• Seek therapists who are trained to be accepting, compassionate, and respectful. If you find yourself working with someone who you feel is trying to subvert my beliefs, choose another therapist. (Although, I encourage you to let them know my concerns first.)
• If my faith is a major part of my life and who you are, let my therapist know. A good therapist will work within my belief system.
• Studies show that active involvement in a religious community can be a protective factor and an aid in improving mental health. With that kind of connection, include my therapist so they can help you call on the support of my community and faith.

In closing, I’d like to leave you with these words from a religious leader regarding mental health therapy.

“However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions [mental health issues] are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor. … If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about my history and my struggles.” ~ Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Oct. 2013. Quoted from this link.

See also “Religious Leaders Are Generating More Mental Health Education” March, 2018

What do I tell my kids?

• What do I say about what will happen?
• What do I say about why we are going?
• Will the therapist tell me everything my child says?
• Do I tell them beforehand at all?

First, let’s talk about what therapy looks like for a child.This will help you know what will happen.  When children and their families go to see a therapist, they will usually choose a play therapist who knows the ways children use play to communicate.  This is a little different than the talk therapy adults are used to.  It involves toys, games, art, music, puppets, sand, and more!  To understand how play works as communication, imagine that you are trying to communicate a feeling or taste to people who speak a different language. You could try pantomime or drawing. You might need to act it out with puppets.  Now what if you had an emotion and didn’t even know what it was?  How could you communicate that?  Children haven’t developed the vocabulary and thought process to explain in words what’s happening for them.

Sometimes they might have the vocabulary, but not know which words really belong to the mix of feelings they are having.  Play allows a child to work things out and when engaging in play with a play therapist, the therapist can aid the child in putting words to feelings and finding constructive ways of expressing themselves which relieves frustration.  (Sometimes, play therapy helps adults too – perhaps more on that in another post.)

Now, how to explain to a child why they are going. Therapy should not be viewed as a punishment, but as a way to help the family and child figure things out.  Ideally, the whole family, or at least the parents, will be involved so everyone is learning the same skills.  When you talk to my child about therapy, talk about the ways it will help and not the problems that made it happen to avoid the blame or punishment mentality.

If my child wants to know if what happens remains private, you can tell them yes, except for situations where someone is in danger. As a parent you need to realize that children (especially as they get older) sometimes need a safe space in order to really express themselves, things they might be uncomfortable telling you. For that reason, a therapist will not disclose specifics of a session with you.  Rest assured though, you will be told about any risks of harm to self or others and you will be part of the solution as you are updated on progress and things to try at home.

Finally, yes, do tell my child about the appointment beforehand.

This will lessen their anxiety about going to a new place and meeting a new person. They may have more questions.  You may not have the answers, but you can make a list with them and bring it with you to the appointment.

Marriage Counseling: The Turtle and The Woodpecker Get Married

Reflecting on marriage counseling discussions we had, relationships can be a lot like the marriage of a turtle and a woodpecker.  In their marriage, when danger comes along, the turtle pulls into his shell and the woodpecker taps on it to get him to come back out.  You can see this happening in relationships.  When the relationship is in danger or threatened, one person tends to act like the turtle and the other like the woodpecker.  The turtle withdraws into his shell waiting for the danger to pass, trying to protect himself and his relationship by not engaging and hoping things will blow over.  The woodpecker is also trying to save the relationship.  The bird feels the need to be close to the turtle and so it begins to peck on the shell, trying to connect in some way to be sure the turtle is really there.  The more the woodpecker pecks, the more the turtle withdraws and they both get upset and perhaps scared.

For people, the turtle is like the partner who will stop listening, stop engaging, or physically leave the room when things get difficult.  The woodpecker will continue to pursue their partner for some connection and this can take the form of nagging or complaining.  A vicious cycle starts.

It is possible to reverse this cycle.  First, you must resist playing the blame game and focusing on ‘who started it.’  Second, you must work together to beat the cycle and break out of it.  The first thing you can do is map out my cycle by going over what happened and how it affected each person and lead to their response without going into blame or judgment or defending.  Just look at it factually and take a moment to listen as the other talks and try to figure out what things looked like from their side.  Do this completely – keep my focus on understanding the other instead of preparing my own statements.

Once you know my cycle, be on the lookout and have a key phrase that will help both of you stop as soon as you see what you’re getting into.  Take a break if you’ve gotten emotional and then have a do over where you express my thoughts and feelings without attacking.  Here is an example of a conversation.  This is how it started:

• Woodpecker: “Johnny is watching too much TV. Go talk to him.”
• Turtle: “I’m busy right now.”

From there it can go one of two ways.  Here is a non-constructive continuation of the conversation:

• Woodpecker: “You never listen to me. Am I the only one around here who can parent?”
• Turtle: “I don’t see what you’re talking about. This is no big deal.  Just tell him to stop.”

Then the turtle leaves the room, followed shortly by the woodpecker, who continues on in the same vein.

What happens though if the turtle and woodpecker realize that they’re slipping into the cycle and take a break and come back to talk again?