Don’t Panic! It’s Only Change

Change can be difficult for many reasons. Here are some antidotes for dealing with those difficulties.

Difficulty:   Feeling confused about the unknown

Antidotes:

• Explore the change and look for the benefits.
• Do something to relax.

Difficulty:   Feeling a lack of control

Antidotes:

• Get involved in making the change.

Difficulty:   Feeling worried

Antidotes:

• Do something to Relax.

Meditation and relaxation can help with any of the difficulties associated with change.  Below is a guided meditation, “Forest Walk,” to help you on my way.  And finally, don’t panic.  Change brings new choices and opportunities.

Finding a Qualified Marriage and Family Therapist or Mental Health Provider

Leslie Baker, MA, Marriage and Family Therapist in Pleasanton

Finding a good qualified marriage and family therapist is like finding a favorite pair of shoes—they provide you with therapeutic support and comfort while helping you reach my destination. But finding a competent mental health provider may be a little more complicated than finding the perfect pair of shoes. Understanding how to locate and choose a qualified mental health provider as well as some of the basic elements that assist people in therapeutic change can be crucial for positive outcomes in treatment.

Choosing what type of therapist or practitioner to seek is an important first step. Mental health providers that provide psychotherapy may include licensed clinical social workers, qualified marriage and family therapists and licensed professional counselors. Along with psychotherapy, psychologists can also provide testing for mental health issues and psychiatrists may provide medication. Although primary care doctors do not provide psychotherapy, they often can provide referrals to a qualified mental health professional.

The next task in finding a competent psychotherapist is making sure that the practitioner is a licensed professional by the state in which they provide psychotherapy. Most states provide a website for their consumers where a person can verify if the practitioner is qualified by that state to provide psychotherapy.

In addition to checking with my state, ask family and friends for referrals or check out sites like Psychologytoday.com or other therapy referral websites. These websites often offer some access to the practitioner’s professional specialties and office information and give a glimpse at the particular approaches used in treatment. Then, choose a minimum of three different counselors therapists or practitioners to try out and see with whom you feel comfortable.

The final step is to take the time, either by phone or in person, to speak directly with the practitioner. Clinicians may offer a free phone consultation ranging from 15 to 20 minutes. It may also help to schedule a one-time, paid appointment to meet the clinician face to face to determine if he or she is the right “fit” for you.

Some questions to consider in talking with a clinician include:

• How long have you been practicing as a marriage and family therapist?
• What type of training have you completed in this specific treatment area?
• What is my general approach to treating this concern?
• How long does treatment usually last?
• How will you measure progress toward treatment goals?

During these conversations, you want to look for a positive rapport with the clinician, develop an understanding of their expertise with that particular concern and have a general understanding about how they would work toward assisting you in meeting my goals. Developing an understanding of how they might resolve any barriers that arise during therapy is also important. This prevents a client from staying in treatment that is not providing effective change.

It may take some time to find qualified marriage and family therapist. But, once found, he or she can help provide support and comfort throughout life’s journey—just like that perfect pair of shoes.

Please contact Leslie Baker at Therapy2Thrive™ Counseling Center in Pleasanton  at 925-998-3392 for help on my marriage counseling, teen issues, and individual counseling needs.

Couples Issues and Negotiation Skills for Couples

For many couples arguing becomes the primary focus of their relationship, leaving the nurturing, fun and joyful aspects of their relationship behind. It is a very common couples issue. Developing strategies to manage couples issues and conflict can strengthen your relationshipand allow you to move forward toward positive change.

The following three steps can help you create a “couple communications” strategy to manage couples issues:

• Each of you must understand my own needs as an individual. Develop lists of my individual wants, needs and desires as a way to understand what you what my partner might need. Be specific. For example, if you need alone time, state what that consists of and how much time you need. If more family time is desired, specify what constitutes family time for you.
• Determine which items you can take care of individually, remembering that you were two individuals before you came together as a couple and that each has different needs and desires. Allowing each other to pursue my own individual activities can bring richness and discovery to my couple-hood, facilitating strength and interest for both partners.
• Review my lists for items that are couple focused, items that you prefer to do together or can be shared, such as household chores and family activities. Provide detail, including the how and the when. Once you have developed my lists, each partner may choose two items to present to the other partner. Review my requests and negotiate with each other regarding how to reach the goals you have outlined.
• Remember that any successful negotiation benefits from both partners being well rested and fed before the conversation begins, at time that works for both. Each person makes his or her requests and negotiates regarding how to facilitate reaching the goals.

Keep the discussion focused on the specifics of that request. Avoid discussing or bringing up any other couples issues. Create a timeline and be willing to try new suggestions. For example, if a partner would like to go out more but money is an issue, consider going out for an appetizer and then cooking dinner at home or taking a picnic to a spot you both enjoy. Once an issue has been agreed upon, try it out. Then, listen to the next issue.

Identifying individual wants, needs and desires is useful tool in assisting couples in meeting their own needs in their partnership. Communicating your needs in an effective, focused manner can allow you to set up specific goals and meet them. These strategies can be useful in avoiding unwanted arguments and resolving concerns so that couples can focus more on the joys of being together!

By Leslie Baker couples counselor and therapist in Pleasanton

Please contact Leslie Baker at Therapy2Thrive Counseling Center in Pleasanton to discuss more about marriage and couples issues.

Many people struggle with lack of connection, feelings of loneliness and conflict in their relationships. Often partners wish to spend more time together but sacrifice it because of work and other family responsibilities. They believe that money enables them “connect” and use it to deal with their anxiety and develop their relationships. In this new economy, couples have the opportunity to create a new way of connecting around each other, rather than around bank accounts, and bring joy back into their relationships.

Having more time can be a first step toward building stronger relationships, but time together can bring its own challenges. Many couples become over focused on problems and spend too much time discussing them.

Illegal Risk

The National Campaign published a recent study that compiled statistics from a 2008 research study of Sex and Tech behavior among teens. It reported that 20% of teenagers overall have sent or posted nude or seminude pictures or video of themselves. The study also showed 39% of all teenagers are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages to each other.

Teens are at risk legally and socially by sending illicit information over the Internet or by cell phones. Teens who get caught, can be prosecuted as sex offenders. If this happens, they may then be required to register as a sex offender for the rest of their lives.

Preventing these risky behaviors is an important concern for parents, teens and communities. Providing resources to teens to assist them in understanding and preventing “sexting” behavior can help protect their futures.

Valentine’s Day, the day of celebrating “love” was declared February 14 around 498 A.D. by Pope Gelasius. Rituals like Valentine’s Day are important for building connections in relationships. The process of acknowledging and affirming the importance of a relationship can be a crucial element for building stronger bonds. Developing rituals that are celebrated throughout the year is an effective strategy toward deeper meaning and friendship.

Valentine’s Day is a ritual that formalizes the acknowledgement of the love and connection people feel about their significant others. Canary, D. J., Stafford, L., Hause, K. S., & Wallace, L. A. (1993) noted that joint activities are viewed as the strategy most important in maintaining relationships. Rituals can encompass many different activities in a relationship including:

• Couples time – Enjoyable activities shared together including hobbies, meals and mutually shared interests.
• Symbolic Rituals – Rituals that mark celebrations of birthdays, holidays. This also includes rituals that include pet names and play rituals.
• Daily routines and tasks – Morning and evening rituals, bedtime, and other daily rituals.
• Intimacy expressions – Rituals in both emotional and physical intimacy.
• Communication rituals – Sharing, supporting, and venting rituals.
• Spiritual rituals – Personal and community rituals.
• Bruess and Pearson (1997; 2002)

The very reason people are initially attracted to online dating sites can also be what ultimately drives them away, Baker says. “I treat clients with social phobias and social anxiety disorders, and many people with these disorders thrive on online relationships because they take off the pressure of actually having to meet others face to face,” she says.

The relative safety and anonymity of online dating can be both a good and a bad thing. “In some ways, online dating and social media can connect people, but it can also facilitate shallow relationships or virtual relationships where people never actually meet,” Baker says. The shallowness contributes, she believes, to the level of dissatisfaction many people eventually develop with online dating.

Is happiness born, raised or developed through practice?

Researcher indicates that only about 50% of happiness comes from nature and/or nurture. The other 50% is considered to be a strategy that people can learn, practice and develop. Dr. Shilagh Mirgain a senior psychologist from the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at the Waisman Center and assistant professor at the University of Wisconsin notes the 5-3-1 strategy for happiness. The strategy includes the following three elements:

• 5 minutes of Meditation a day – with 20 minutes of meditation strengthens and builds the grey matter in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. The front part of the brain that helps people focus, make decisions and manage emotions.
• Write down 3 good things that happened to you each day – Mybrains tend to focus and remember the negative events in my day. Writing down the positives refocuses my mind from the negative sentiments to a more positive perspective. A positive perspective is linked to happier people.
• Extend 1 kind act every day. No matter how big or small being kind to others makes us feel good inside and reflects back on my happiness. Being kind to others builds positivity in relating to others and this brings more positivity from others to you.
  These are three practices can be utilized daily according to Dr. Shilagh Mirgain to improve my happiness levels. Try 5-3-1 practice and see if it works for you.

Please Note: Depression is a clinical issue. Happiness can be improved by practicing skills to improve levels of happiness, but it is important for depression to be assessed and treated. If you experience feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest, changes in sleep patterns, changes in appetite, and/or thoughts of suicide, please reach out immediately for assistance by calling a mental health provider or call the crisis lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). These are serious symptoms and with proper assessment and treatment can be treated. There is hope, please reach out today. Contact my counselors in Pleasanton for consultation.

Carroll, L. (2015, July 7). Seeking happiness at work? Try these simple practices to turn it around. Today.com Retrieved July 12, 2015, from http://www.today.com/money/unhappy-work-turn-it-around-these-simple-steps-t30481

Love yourself daily!

Leslie Baker, Marriage and Family Therapist, NCC in Pleasanton

We have become enthralled by the world and what others have to say about us. Whether the message comes from gossip or from what Facebook or Instagram “Likes” or doesn’t. This can be fun and exciting but it only lasts for a few moments. We can obsess on media to approve of who we are or we can trust ourselves by looking inside to define how truly unique and extraordinary we are!

Take these 4 tools to connect with yourself without counting on technology to approve of you:

Think It Daily!

Think of two positive things that you can repeat to yourself daily. These can be behaviors; (I am a good driver), feelings (I am excited today) or things you like (I love my humorous view on life!)

Say It Daily!

Say two positive things you believe about yourself daily. “I am a good friend!”, “I love to cook,” or things like “I like to help others, “I’m a great reader!”.

Do It Daily!

Do at least one nice thing to take care of “you” daily. It can be simple and healthy. Eat my favorite healthy snack, skip down the street, take the stairs, park in the shade, call my best friend, take my lunch break.

Cultivate a sacred moment Daily!

Every person’s view of what is sacred to them is unique, but it can be anything and everything from watching a hummingbird drink from a feeder to watching a sunset or saying a sacred prayer. Take a moment to find my sacred moment that fits for you every day.

Find my way toward a daily practice by trying these 4 tools. You will feel better if you work from the inside out! If you feel overwhelmed, pick one; think it daily. Change begins with one small thing. Thinking a new thought is a huge change and a great way to start!

Contact Leslie Baker, Marriage and Family Therapist for individual counseling in Pleasanton.

Is Guilt the Focus of Your Parenting?

Many parents have slipped into guilt based parenting by accident. Many parents strive to parent out of a desire to be kind, warm, caring and educational. Working to teach children compassionately so that they are eventually prepared for what life presents them. However, in some cases, guilt seeps in and parents begin to parent from a place of guilt.

Guilt develops from very real situations such as divorcing, illnesses suffered by them or their children, financial issues, addiction and other mental health issues, death, moving and other life traumas. Parenting from the guilt position may lead parents to over indulge, set few boundaries, meet every possible need a youth presents and eventually, over time can create entitlement, lack of respect and a lack of emotional regulation in youth. Parents may eventually feel disempowered and feel unable to set boundaries with their youth and in severe cases be threatened and/or bullied by their youth. Parents can feel chronically overwhelmed, exhausted and unsupported. The youth often excel in their demands, may increase tantrums if they are not provided what they want, when they want it and in some cases may succumb to addictive pursuits, including alcohol, sex, drugs and/or internet.

It is not to say that a little guilt is a problem nor is being gracious or occasionally indulging youth creates concern however, long term guilt based parenting may lead to these issues. There is hope! Here are 5 tips to stop guilt based parenting.

1. Forgive yourself: I am human, we make mistakes and/or make choices that are no longer working effectively for us. If you practice a religion most have a component of forgiveness. Religions are not the issue God or Gods have forgiven you already, consider why you are not forgiving yourself and please do!
2. Forgive my partner: They are human and they make mistakes and/or make choices that hurt you, please find a way to work on it and move past it. Often forgiving yourself first is the key to forgiving others. If abuse is involved please seek counseling and care as forgiveness may not be the first step for my situation but safety is crucial. A mental health professional can assist you or a local shelter.
3. Worry less, they will be OK: Your children and teens will be OK. You are the leaders in the family. They will take the lead from you. If you demonstrate that you can manage through tough times, they will manage too. Emotions can be shown and as they are experienced they will pass. Providing youth the opportunity to recover and bounce back from difficult times will help them learn that painful things are survivable. Even when death and loss occur, youth, given the opportunity to share information with loved ones can process the experience.
4. Teach children real world skills: Spend time creating opportunities for my children and teens to learn to live successfully in the world. Building self-esteem comes from task completion. From learning to make their beds to cooking a meal or managing a bank account, youth can gain true self-pride and confidence from skill building. This includes caring for others. Creating opportunities for youth to help you, from participating in meal planning, helping to care for a sick family member or cleaning up after dinner not only creates family cohesion but community and empathy.
5. Demonstrate self-care: Parenting is one of the most rewarding endeavors yet it is one of the most challenging. Take some time to rest, sleep, and love. Think of a gumball machine. If you all you do is give out gumballs to everyone you will run out. Take time to refill my gumball machine! Meditate, exercise, time with my partner or anything that fills up my gumball machine. Once you give to yourself you will have more to give to another!