Don’t Panic! It’s Only Change

Change can be difficult for many reasons. Here are some antidotes for dealing with those difficulties.

Difficulty:   Feeling confused about the unknown

Antidotes:

• Explore the change and look for the benefits.
• Do something to relax.

Difficulty:   Feeling a lack of control

Antidotes:

• Get involved in making the change.

Difficulty:   Feeling worried

Antidotes:

• Do something to Relax.

Meditation and relaxation can help with any of the difficulties associated with change.  Below is a guided meditation, “Forest Walk,” to help you on my way.  And finally, don’t panic.  Change brings new choices and opportunities.

Is happiness born, raised or developed through practice?

Researcher indicates that only about 50% of happiness comes from nature and/or nurture. The other 50% is considered to be a strategy that people can learn, practice and develop. Dr. Shilagh Mirgain a senior psychologist from the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at the Waisman Center and assistant professor at the University of Wisconsin notes the 5-3-1 strategy for happiness. The strategy includes the following three elements:

• 5 minutes of Meditation a day – with 20 minutes of meditation strengthens and builds the grey matter in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. The front part of the brain that helps people focus, make decisions and manage emotions.
• Write down 3 good things that happened to you each day – Mybrains tend to focus and remember the negative events in my day. Writing down the positives refocuses my mind from the negative sentiments to a more positive perspective. A positive perspective is linked to happier people.
• Extend 1 kind act every day. No matter how big or small being kind to others makes us feel good inside and reflects back on my happiness. Being kind to others builds positivity in relating to others and this brings more positivity from others to you.
  These are three practices can be utilized daily according to Dr. Shilagh Mirgain to improve my happiness levels. Try 5-3-1 practice and see if it works for you.

Please Note: Depression is a clinical issue. Happiness can be improved by practicing skills to improve levels of happiness, but it is important for depression to be assessed and treated. If you experience feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest, changes in sleep patterns, changes in appetite, and/or thoughts of suicide, please reach out immediately for assistance by calling a mental health provider or call the crisis lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). These are serious symptoms and with proper assessment and treatment can be treated. There is hope, please reach out today. Contact my counselors in Pleasanton for consultation.

Carroll, L. (2015, July 7). Seeking happiness at work? Try these simple practices to turn it around. Today.com Retrieved July 12, 2015, from http://www.today.com/money/unhappy-work-turn-it-around-these-simple-steps-t30481

Love yourself daily!

Leslie Baker, Marriage and Family Therapist, NCC in Pleasanton

We have become enthralled by the world and what others have to say about us. Whether the message comes from gossip or from what Facebook or Instagram “Likes” or doesn’t. This can be fun and exciting but it only lasts for a few moments. We can obsess on media to approve of who we are or we can trust ourselves by looking inside to define how truly unique and extraordinary we are!

Take these 4 tools to connect with yourself without counting on technology to approve of you:

Think It Daily!

Think of two positive things that you can repeat to yourself daily. These can be behaviors; (I am a good driver), feelings (I am excited today) or things you like (I love my humorous view on life!)

Say It Daily!

Say two positive things you believe about yourself daily. “I am a good friend!”, “I love to cook,” or things like “I like to help others, “I’m a great reader!”.

Do It Daily!

Do at least one nice thing to take care of “you” daily. It can be simple and healthy. Eat my favorite healthy snack, skip down the street, take the stairs, park in the shade, call my best friend, take my lunch break.

Cultivate a sacred moment Daily!

Every person’s view of what is sacred to them is unique, but it can be anything and everything from watching a hummingbird drink from a feeder to watching a sunset or saying a sacred prayer. Take a moment to find my sacred moment that fits for you every day.

Find my way toward a daily practice by trying these 4 tools. You will feel better if you work from the inside out! If you feel overwhelmed, pick one; think it daily. Change begins with one small thing. Thinking a new thought is a huge change and a great way to start!

Contact Leslie Baker, Marriage and Family Therapist for individual counseling in Pleasanton.

Children are natural, creative explorers. Through the eyes of a child, the world can be a magical, untainted place filled with potential. It is in those formative childhood years that they are looking out into their world with curiosity to make sense of it all and develop key life skills. In lieu of developing abilities around verbal language, play and active engagement in the environment is how children express themselves. Within the safety of one type of play, imaginative or fantasy play, kids can see beyond what exists in front of them and explore the unknown with general freedom.

Some key benefits of Imaginative Play:

1. Encourages independence.

By being able to explore different ideas and make up their own rules, kids in play are naturally encouraged to be creative and take risks. This is an essential part of thinking critically and slowly gaining independence.

“The right person will just know me.” How often have you heard this statement? While it may have some bits of truth to it, the reality is that in order to have this knowing, “the right person” will work hard in the relationship in concert with you to understand you and have you understand them. All relationships are alive—they are in constant movement and must be fed, nurtured, and cared for in order to grow. When people can communicate openly and honestly about what they are thinking, feeling and need, this gives others the opportunity to know how to treat them and connect in deeper, more meaningful ways.

These needs that are communicated in healthy relationships are boundaries—personal guidelines for what we are willing to put into a relationship and how we wish to be treated. Whether it is boundaries with friends, family, partners, bosses, neighbors—whomever we interact with on a day to day basis, these limits serve to set up appropriate expectations, establish mutual trust and model healthy self-care. Without these limits in my relationships with others, we risk those relationships becoming toxic and being taken advantage of or feeling hurt and misunderstood. Others need to know how to treat you and act around you; otherwise you will end up feeling disrespected.

Healthy boundaries fuel healthy relationships and unhealthy boundaries tend to perpetuate as well. And it’s true, boundaries require work. Things that are important rarely come easy. It requires internal reflection about who we are, what we need and what we won’t allow. Then it requires the direct, outward expression of those needs. In basic steps, setting boundaries with others looks like:

1) Reflection

It’s hard to ask for your needs to be met if you don’t know what they are. So start by asking yourself some questions about what you want in my relationships. Do I feel comfortable, safe and respected in this relationship? Do I feel pressure to do things I don’t really want to do? Do I feel heard and valued? Am I happy and fulfilled?

2) Communication

Using “I” statements and focusing the conversation around my feelings and what you need rather than focusing on what the other person is doing wrong is an effective way to approach boundary conversations. “I felt hurt and misunderstood yesterday” will be received differently than “You hurt my feelings yesterday.” Being assertive is not being demanding, it is being open and honest about what you need and how you will protect yourself. “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard. It is important to me that we set aside the time to be with and listen to each other.” Being able to understand and assert my boundaries will serve you kindly in many ways. You are protecting and conserving my emotional energy which will positively impact my mental health. It will also strengthen my self-esteem/confidence as well as create pathways to reconnect with my deeper self.

According to the Mayo Clinic, the benefits of forgiveness can include[2]:

• Healthier relationships
• Improved mental health
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• A stronger immune system
• Improved heart health
• Improved self-esteem

If you would like to let go of resentment towards another person or yourself but aren’t sure how to go about it, here are 5 steps you can take towards forgiveness:

1. Be angry and grieve for as long as you need. Allow yourself to feel all of my emotions.

2. Explore the pros and cons of holding onto my grudge versus moving on from it. Here are some questions you could ask yourself: how important is it for you to repair the relationship? What do you gain from being the victim? Would you rather be right or be happy?

3. Accept that humans are inherently flawed. Consider the situation from the perspective of the other person. Do you find yourself making any assumptions?

4. Consider what the best outcome is you can hope for if you were able to forgive? Explore what forgiving would feel like and how it would affect my life. Some ways to do this could include writing in a journal, praying or using guided meditations.

5. Decide if you are ready to forgive. If the answer is yes, decide if you would like to forgive quietly or let the other party know that you have forgiven them. For example, some people write a letter to the person they forgive and then destroy it, some people send the letter, others forgive in their thoughts or by sharing their decision with a friend. But sometimes we can’t forgive or are not ready just yet and that is okay too.

Sources:

Piedmont Healthcare. What does holding a grudge do to my health? Retrieved from
https://www.piedmont.org/living-better/what-does-holding-a-grudge-do-to-your-health

Mayo Clinic. Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Retrieved from:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

When it comes to talking about mental health concerns, the Asian community faces many cultural barriers that prevent this open and much needed discussion. One strong cultural force is the idea of “saving face”. The term “face” is associated with honor, dignity and reputation in the eyes of others. Thus the term “saving face” essentially means to preserve the respect of others, or the community at large.

Asian culture is one rooted in the collective, or interdependence versus the more Western practice of independence. There is a great sense of pride in achievement for the family as a whole—when one person is doing well, it looks good for the whole family and vice versa.

“Saving face” is a deeply traditional concept that holds how one is viewed in very high esteem. Unfortunately, the value that this holds in the community mentality fuels many negative attitudes towards seeking and receiving “outside” help. A common solution for Asian families needing any kind of support is to seek help from within the family system. For example, Aunties or Uncles can often serve as sources of information so that families don’t need to seek help from outside sources. The trouble with this mentality is that it perpetuates the need for secrecy and builds a potent sense of shame when more acute help is needed. My own experience with facing mental illness within my own extended Asian family system has resulted in the loss of not being able to know about or build relationships with multiple members of my own family. Growing up, there was a strongly reinforced façade that recognition of mental illness was not able to penetrate.

Step one: Change the way you think about self-care.

“Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of my mental, emotional, and physical health.” If you think of self-care in these terms it can become a chore. When you try to do it all – take care of my mental, emotional, AND physical health all at once, it is overwhelming and time-consuming. Thinking about it like this makes it seem like you need to carve out a large chunk of time to really engage in self-care. Change the way you think about self-care starting by saying self-care does not have to equal self-improvement. Self-care doesn’t even have to change my daily routine. Self-care can be being kind to yourself or letting yourself relax while doing “nothing”. Changing the way you think: having a positive mindset, during my routine can be self-care or make my daily routine my self-care.

Step Two: Identify the things you are already doing that can be relaxing/self-care.

Think about what kinds of things you are already doing that make you happy or bring you joy. Examples: Watching TV, reading, eating a meal, sitting outside, etc.
Once you identify these things, be intentional in focusing thought or energy into those normal parts of my routine that can help you feel better.
Step three: Turn off the noise in my head so you can relax
Your mind can tell my emotions that you are relaxed. What you say to yourself during self-care, down time, anytime, impacts my emotional and physical health. Myminds are powerful and changing my thoughts can impact my emotions and how we feel physically. When engaging in an activity that brings you joy or could be relaxing, give yourself permission to enjoy it. You might say something like, “I deserve to enjoy this”, “My to-do list can wait”, “Relaxing is on my to-do list”. Being mindful and intentional of what you’re doing increases the value of self-care.

Here are some examples of how to change my thinking to improve my mindset and easily increase my self-care

• Watching TV can be self-care, it all depends on how we do it. The problem with TV and why it gets a bad reputation for not being self-care, is that most of the time we come home from work, have dinner and then we sit on the couch and watch TV. The whole time we’re watching TV we’re thinking about all of the things that we should be doing instead, like the laundry, the dishes, cleaning, etc. If you are feeling guilty and “shoulding” all over yourself, you’re not really relaxing and enjoying watching TV. Here’s a different approach, sit on the couch and you say, “I’m going to sit down, watch TV, and allow myself to relax and enjoy it. There’s nothing else I need to be doing; this is my self-care time.
• Commute time can also be used as self-care time. When you get in the car remind yourself, “I’m driving to work. I’m going to listen to this audiobook and enjoy it and there’s nothing else I need to be thinking about right now.” Or on the train think to yourself, “I’m going to read a book and listen to music because there’s nothing else I need to be doing right now.”
• You can have self-care time by mindfully taking a lunch. Saying to yourself, “I’m going to take these 20 minutes to enjoy my lunch, I deserve them.” Then taking 20 minutes to yourself to enjoy my lunch and not think about the stress of my day. You could do the same with my morning coffee, “I’m going to drink my coffee for 15 minutes and scroll on my phone. This is okay because I need to take some down time.”

You’ll notice that the definition of self-care says it’s something that we do deliberately to take care of ourselves. Self-care doesn’t have to be a big activity that takes up a chunk of time; all it has to be is deliberate. Being mindful and changing the way you think about the things that you do for yourself and the time that you take for yourself can be a manageable way to add self-care into a busy day. Don’t underestimate the power of my mind.

• Don’t expect change to happen overnight. There is no consensus on how long it takes to form a new habit but there are some popular theories, like the 21/90 strategy. It postulates that if you commit to a goal for 21 straight days, it’ll have become a habit. The rule then encourages you to do it for another 90 days and claims that it will have become a permanent lifestyle change.
• Assess the level of difficulty to reach my goal. Some goals are harder than others. You are the judge of how difficult you think it’s going to be. The more difficult, the more it makes sense to break the goal down into sub-goals. For example, if you want to run the Boston Marathon in a year, you start off with short runs and then increase my speed and distance over time.
• Can you do it on my own? To continue with the Boston Marathon example, ask yourself, are you the kind of person who loves the solitude of running on my own or are you motivated by running with a group? There are groups for almost any goal you can imagine, including weight loss, anger control management and learning a new skill.
• Make my goal specific. By keeping my goal specific you make it measurable and there wn’t be any doubt about goal-attainment. This is easy with goals like weight loss, as you can count the pounds. It takes a little more creativity to make a qualitative goal specific, for example, if you want to learn how to be less explosive and respond versus react when you feel anger coming on, use a technique like counting backwards from 10 to zero before saying anything. You can then keep track of how often you’ve been able to do the backwards count as a metric.