Marriage Counseling – Turning Relationships Up in a Downturn Economy

By Leslie Baker, Marriage and Family Therapist, Pleasanton

Current economic news is influencing more than bank accounts; it is also affecting couples’ relationships. Looking for tips on marriage counseling for couples facing this situation? In recent times of prosperity, couples worked hard and played hard, often creating debt as they focused on getting out, going somewhere special or buying something new. Since the economic downturn, many people now face limited funds for recreation and the realities of losing investments and even homes. Increased debt adds stress in their relationships. Financial problems are sending many a relationship into a downturn, along with the economy, but it is possible to use the economic downturn to affect my relationships in a positive way. Tough financial times can be the perfect time to reconnect.

Communication is important, but too much can create an environment of constant crisis. A more useful strategy that I usually provide during a marriage counseling is to limit the “problem” conversations to times when both partners are rested and to focus those discussions on specific goals and to negotiate toward specific solutions. For example, a couple may sit down once a week to review and prioritize bills. Partners can make lists of their individual priorities and then negotiate toward creating a workable list. Once the list is set into motion, the “problem” conversation can be set aside and the rest of the time can be spent on activities that are stress free and fun.

Tips for low-cost fun can involve getting involved in my community, attending free or low-cost activities like park naturalist classes, walking festivals, outdoor concerts, local sporting events or lectures. These activities afford the opportunity to reconnect not only with each other but with family, friends and neighbors. Couples may want to organize a pot luck or progressive dinner including board games, dominos or cards or create a romantic evening just for the two of you. A few candles, music and a hot bath can bring the joy back into a relationship as well as relax the stress away.
Taking care of yourself and my partner is a good investment no matter the state of the economy. Marriage and relationships present many challenges and learning how to navigate those challenges is the core of couples’ ultimate success and happiness. During this economic downturn, take the opportunity to create an upturn in my marriage and relationship.

Contact Leslie Baker, marriage counselor and therapist, at 925-998-3392 in Pleasanton for a confidential, no obligation 15-minute telephone consultation.

Valentine’s Day All Year ‘Round: Creating and Maintaining Romantic Rituals

By: Leslie Baker, MA, MFT 

Creating and maintaining romantic rituals can enhance, sustain, and build deeper and more meaningful relationships in couples. Couples create meaningful rituals by sharing with each other what is important to them. Make time to sit down with my partner to discuss what rituals are currently shared in the relationship and what new rituals can be created. Listening to each partner’s needs and integrating those needs into the ritual development can assist in the creation of satisfying rituals. When establishing a ritual it is important to be specific: What would you like to have as a ritual? How will you carry it out? When will you participate in the ritual?

Valentine’s Day comes once a year but couples can create and maintain a meaningful connection throughout the year by practicing their own special rituals on a regular basis. Whether it’s going on a date night once a week or sharing a cup of coffee and the newspaper in the morning or going to the farmers market every Saturday, rituals help us develop closeness and create shared meaning in my lives. Consider creating a day of “love” beyond this Valentine’s Day!

References

Bruess, C. J. S., & Pearson, J. C. (1997). Interpersonal rituals in marriage and adult friendship. Communication Monographs, 64, 25-46.

Bruess, C. J. S., & Pearson, J. C.(2002). The function of mundane ritualizing in adult friendship and marriage. Communication Research Reports, 19, 314-326.

Canary, D. J., Stafford, L., Hause, K. S., & Wallace, L. A.(1993). An inductive analysis of relational maintenance strategies: Comparisons among lovers, relatives, friends, and others. Communication Research Reports, 10, 5-14

Pearson, J. C., Child, J. T. and Carmon, A.,2008-05-22 “Rituals in Dating Relationships: The Development and Validation of a Measure” Paper presented at the annual meeting of the International Communication Association, TBA, Montreal, Quebec, Canada Online . 2010-01-23 from http://www.allacademic.com/meta/p232769_index.html

For more information on Marriage and Couple issues, contact Leslie Baker Marriage and Family Therapist in Pleasanton for consultation.

Is online dating dying?

By Jill Elaine Hughes, discussion with Leslie Baker Marriage and Family Therapist Pleasanton

Online dating is an integral part of contemporary culture — sitcoms refer to it to grab laughs, and commercials for online dating sites populate the airwaves. Some recent studies, however, indicate that singles are frustrated with online dating and looking for alternatives.

“A lot of people find online dating intriguing but not very satisfying,” says Leslie Baker, a couple counselor and therapist in Pleasanton and an area chair for the master’s in counseling degree program at University of Phoenix.

Many of Baker’s individual and couples counseling clients report that they currently use online dating sites but are disappointed with the results. One problem, according to Baker, is that sites don’t screen member profiles.

“My clients like the opportunity to look at profiles of people they wouldn’t ordinarily get to meet, but they have to sift through a lot of questionable ones to find anything, and then those people often do not respond,” she says. “There also seems to be a problem with people posting false information and fake photos on dating sites.”

These are some of the potential pitfalls to online dating, but is it really dying out? Not entirely, according to Baker. “I think people are just searching for better results, and that’s why you’re seeing a lot of niche dating sites cropping up,” she says.

Singles should also explore other dating options, Baker recommends. “I frequently suggest that my clients consider using in-person dating services that offer a way for people to mingle safely with other singles in a public place,” Baker says. “One of my favorites is Table for Six, which sets up dinners with three single men and three single women, coordinated through a hostess. I also suggest It’s Just Lunch, a service that sets up weekday lunches between working professionals.”

These types of services offer the potential variety of online dating while also encouraging real-world interaction. “You really don’t know someone,” Baker says, “until you’ve met that person face to face.”

by Jill Elaine Hughes a discussion with Leslie Baker, Marriage and Family Therapist Pleasanton

When you’re busy juggling work, school and raising a family, having a vibrant social life is probably the last thing on my mind. But socializing and maintaining friendships is an important part of a healthy lifestyle. Here, five expert tips on how to stay plugged into the social scene despite competing demands:

Put social events on my calendar.

“Make a point to fit social activities into my schedule each week like [you do] any other task or appointment,” says Leslie Baker, a licensed marriage and family therapist and area chair in the master’s in counseling program at the University of Phoenix Bay Area Campus.

“It doesn’t have to be a lot of time, either — even a 15-minute coffee break with a friend can be fun and rejuvenating.” She also suggests taking advantage of email, social media and phone calls to stay connected with friends when you’re too busy to meet in person.

Explain my needs, and be flexible.

A busy life requires more flexibility when it comes to socializing. “Share my situation and advocate for my own needs when communicating with friends,” Baker says. She suggests finding ways to meet that fit in with my existing life demands, like short social visits at home scheduled between study sessions, or, if you have kids, carpooling and scheduling playdates with other working parents.

“Going out to parties or to the movies isn’t always going to be feasible, so make sure my friends understand that,” she advises.

Take time for yourself.

It’s hard to be a social butterfly when you’re burned out. “If you want to connect with people socially, you first have to be connected to yourself,” Baker explains. She recommends taking some personal time each week to help recharge my batteries and relieve stress. “Take a hot bath, read a book for pleasure, take a walk or catch a nap.”

Seek out others with similar lifestyles.

You’re more likely to find people who understand my busy lifestyle when they juggle many of the same demands you do. “I have seen many strong, lasting friendships develop among my classes’ learning teams at University of Phoenix, simply because my students are all dealing with similar issues,” Baker says. Her students have organized everything from in-class potlucks to study groups to social outings.

Know when to walk away.

Not all friendships are created equal. “Friendships do ebb and flow depending on my lives’ demands,” Baker says. “If you feel that maintaining a certain friendship has become too stressful, one-sided or emotionally draining, it’s a good sign to let that friendship fade.” Baker suggests focusing instead on building relationships with people who understand my life at this moment and want to be a part of it.

Boundaries-Honoring Yourself

3) Following through

Once my boundaries are set, the responsibility to yourself is to maintain them. This means repeating boundaries as needed and following through with consequences when or if they are violated. Healthy boundaries are fluid and shift over time as we learn and grow. Sometimes we may be okay with something at the beginning of a relationship, but then over time, we realize that it makes us uncomfortable and we no longer are okay with it. It is always okay to adjust boundaries and change my minds at any time. So if they change, you communicate those adjustments along the way.
Knowing and setting my personal boundaries in relationships is a form of self-love. I am all worthy of asking for and receiving what we need. When we can connect with ourselves and understand my own needs, we can be with others in ways that are more stable, fulfilling and authentic.

A loving truth to honor yourself highly is best conveyed in this quote by Prentis Hemphill, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

Key Benefits of Couple Therapy

2. A secure and strong enough emotional bonding between couples

Love is a miracle emotion that is soft and vulnerable but flexible and strong too. It always attaches to another human being and requires being secure enough to be soft and strong enough to hold vulnerability for both self and the other. In couples, secure and strong enough emotional bonding means a safe place to turn to when one gets hurt and needs soothing and rest.

When couples feel emotionally unsafe, they automatically start a mode of “fight, flight, or freeze.” It is an argument, avoidance, isolation, or numbing out to control their anxiety in relationships. Without secure and safe emotional bonding, fear and shame constantly emerge without awareness and eventually harm intimate relationships and self-esteem.

3. A “problem-solving” model between couples

Couples often come together with different backgrounds and life experiences, which lead to different ways of understanding and coping with problems. Problem-solving is not only about right or wrong; it also involves compromise, acceptance, curiosity, and being open-minded.

Couples need to understand each other’s ways and perceptions, resolve differences and conflicts through a coordinated approach, and adapt to each other’s standpoints. When couples establish and maintain effective problem-solving habits, they are also more capable of coping with various problems, which in turn will enhance their relationship.

Couples can always expect to benefit in the above three areas, both for themselves and for the two of you, whether in the long-term or the short-term, regardless of age, gender, culture, experiences, or length of the relationship. Talk to my partner and take care of my intimate relationship with some help from a couple of therapists.

How Unhealthy Mental Health Affects Relationships?

Generally, when relationships fail people blame either individuals or situations or both. For the most part, they totally miss the acknowledged role of unhealthy mental health as a possible factor of a broken relationship and symptoms get ignored until it starts affecting the relationship adversely.

Affects of Mental Illness relationships:

• Burnout- People often reported experiencing emotional exhaustion as they manage the day-to-day of living with a family/partner with mental illness.
• Trust and insecurity issue: Mental illness increases insecurity, decreases opportunity for bonding and results in unmet needs.
• Intimacy issues: Staying with someone with mental illness may present challenges with intimacy along with difficulty in other aspects of life. Negative sex life often led distress in relationships.
• Adverse effects on caregiver/ partner overall well-being: Mental health illness increases levels of stress and burn out feelings in the caregiver/spouse’s life. Secondary PTSD symptoms in a veteran’s family/spouse could be a good example related to this issue.
• Degrades Biopsychosocial health: Mental health may increase lethargic feelings in couples, impact their ability to express empathy, increase feelings of anxiety, grief, and isolation.
• Disrupted communication: a person who is dealing with mental health challenges feels emotionally overwhelmed and finds it hard to articulate their feelings. Sometimes they resist communicating out of fear of being abandoned and feelings of guilt. That led to the problem of miscommunication or lack of communication in relationships.
• Codependency issues: Mental health issues increase codependency and develop a perceived sense of helplessness in mentally ill persons without the caregiver/ partner.

Sign of someone going through mental illness:

1. Change in appetite, sex drive, sleeping patterns, and significant tiredness
2. Extreme mood swings
3. Increase dependence on unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drugs & alcohol etc.
4. Unusual sadness or emotional outbursts
5. Confused thinking or reduced ability to concentrate
6. Excessive fears or worries, avoidance or extreme feelings of guilt
7. Withdrawal from friends and activities
8. Detachment from reality (delusions), paranoia or hallucinations

How Therapy can help to deal with mental health challenges in relationships:

• Therapy will provide an opportunity to individuals/family/couple to talk about their unmet needs and emotions in a safe therapeutic environment.
• Therapy focuses on improving the attachment and bonding between family/partners. Such as, increasing awareness about how their early childhood experiences and attachment pattern influence their current mental state. People feel connected when they gain insight about their inner world, and understand how their response and behavior lead to disruption in relationships.
• Therapy helps individuals to get insight about their/others underlying hopes and fears; increases empathetic understanding and builds friendship with increased admiration for each other.
• Therapy assists individuals to improve positive communication and problem-solving skills. That empowers them to address core issues related to conflicts and focus on solutions rather than just stuck on problems.
• Therapy guides individuals learn how to focus on self-reflection rather than blame, increases gratitude, enjoy positive aspects of the life/relationship, and promote stability and satisfaction while discouraging behaviors/responses that foster negativity.

Overall, people can help themselves and their family/partners by gaining insights and seeking professional help such as, individual/family/couples counseling. Therapy will help enhance their awareness and skills to deal with mental health challenges successfully, and promote mutual empathetic understanding and feelings of togetherness by restoring strong healthy relationships in their lives.

A- Active

Play is an active use of the mind and body. Therapeutic play is an intentional, structured and active approach to using play as an intervention with children are experiencing difficulties with social and/or emotional development and behavioral challenges. Instead of asking a child to join my adult world of higher cognitive function, play therapy is used to join the child’s world at their level. Through use of effective play therapy skills, children can learn how to engage differently with what they are struggling with and can help caregivers learn how to support their children in new, more productive ways.

Y-Youthful

While the term “play” often brings up notions of children, play therapy can be used effectively with older teens and adults as well. The “father” of Play Therapy, Charles Schaeffer talked a lot about how much depth play brings into a therapeutic experience. When words take a backstage role to an experience, a deeper sense of connection can be made to the range of emotions experienced in any given moment. When using play therapy with older youth or adults, it can be an effective method for processing repressed feelings and memories– moving and integrating them from the nonverbal parts of my brain into the frontal lobe section of expressive language.

Equipped with some knowledge of the value that play offers, how can you incorporate it more so that you can reap the benefits of play even as an adult?

Forgiveness – should we do it

As human beings, we are bound to hurt and be hurt. It’s part of life and can’t be avoided. So, why can it be so difficult to forgive ourselves and others? And why should we?

It’s a common misconception that forgiving means condoning an event. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily have to lead to reconciliation. Instead, forgiveness can mean accepting what happened and actively deciding to let go of resentment. Forgiveness is about taking back control.

Forgiveness can be a purely selfish act with the singular goal of freeing the forgiver’s mind. Of course, forgiveness can also be a gesture designed to free the other person’s mind from guilt.

Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) 12 steps process teaches us that sobriety is impossible without letting go of resentment. Forgiveness can bring healing to others and oneself.

By forgiving, we can free my minds from ruminating about the past to focus on living in the present moment. This mindfulness has been proven to increase a person’s happiness. In addition, unforgiving can be detrimental to my physical and mental health.

Forgiveness is a very personal process and only you can know if forgiveness is right for you. The research clearly shows that holding onto resentment can be harmful to a person’s physical and mental health. As human beings, we need interpersonal connections to thrive and live a full life —repair is a natural part of healthy relationships.

Consider forgiveness if a grudge has been keeping you from enjoying the here-and-now. It might just lighten the load you are carrying and put a new spring in my step.

[1] What does holding a grudge do to my health? Piedmont Healthcare. Source:
https://www.piedmont.org/living-better/what-does-holding-a-grudge-do-to-your-health

[2] Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692