Illegal Risk

The National Campaign published a recent study that compiled statistics from a 2008 research study of Sex and Tech behavior among teens. It reported that 20% of teenagers overall have sent or posted nude or seminude pictures or video of themselves. The study also showed 39% of all teenagers are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages to each other.

Teens are at risk legally and socially by sending illicit information over the Internet or by cell phones. Teens who get caught, can be prosecuted as sex offenders. If this happens, they may then be required to register as a sex offender for the rest of their lives.

Preventing these risky behaviors is an important concern for parents, teens and communities. Providing resources to teens to assist them in understanding and preventing “sexting” behavior can help protect their futures.

Is Guilt the Focus of Your Parenting?

Many parents have slipped into guilt based parenting by accident. Many parents strive to parent out of a desire to be kind, warm, caring and educational. Working to teach children compassionately so that they are eventually prepared for what life presents them. However, in some cases, guilt seeps in and parents begin to parent from a place of guilt.

Guilt develops from very real situations such as divorcing, illnesses suffered by them or their children, financial issues, addiction and other mental health issues, death, moving and other life traumas. Parenting from the guilt position may lead parents to over indulge, set few boundaries, meet every possible need a youth presents and eventually, over time can create entitlement, lack of respect and a lack of emotional regulation in youth. Parents may eventually feel disempowered and feel unable to set boundaries with their youth and in severe cases be threatened and/or bullied by their youth. Parents can feel chronically overwhelmed, exhausted and unsupported. The youth often excel in their demands, may increase tantrums if they are not provided what they want, when they want it and in some cases may succumb to addictive pursuits, including alcohol, sex, drugs and/or internet.

It is not to say that a little guilt is a problem nor is being gracious or occasionally indulging youth creates concern however, long term guilt based parenting may lead to these issues. There is hope! Here are 5 tips to stop guilt based parenting.

1. Forgive yourself: I am human, we make mistakes and/or make choices that are no longer working effectively for us. If you practice a religion most have a component of forgiveness. Religions are not the issue God or Gods have forgiven you already, consider why you are not forgiving yourself and please do!
2. Forgive my partner: They are human and they make mistakes and/or make choices that hurt you, please find a way to work on it and move past it. Often forgiving yourself first is the key to forgiving others. If abuse is involved please seek counseling and care as forgiveness may not be the first step for my situation but safety is crucial. A mental health professional can assist you or a local shelter.
3. Worry less, they will be OK: Your children and teens will be OK. You are the leaders in the family. They will take the lead from you. If you demonstrate that you can manage through tough times, they will manage too. Emotions can be shown and as they are experienced they will pass. Providing youth the opportunity to recover and bounce back from difficult times will help them learn that painful things are survivable. Even when death and loss occur, youth, given the opportunity to share information with loved ones can process the experience.
4. Teach children real world skills: Spend time creating opportunities for my children and teens to learn to live successfully in the world. Building self-esteem comes from task completion. From learning to make their beds to cooking a meal or managing a bank account, youth can gain true self-pride and confidence from skill building. This includes caring for others. Creating opportunities for youth to help you, from participating in meal planning, helping to care for a sick family member or cleaning up after dinner not only creates family cohesion but community and empathy.
5. Demonstrate self-care: Parenting is one of the most rewarding endeavors yet it is one of the most challenging. Take some time to rest, sleep, and love. Think of a gumball machine. If you all you do is give out gumballs to everyone you will run out. Take time to refill my gumball machine! Meditate, exercise, time with my partner or anything that fills up my gumball machine. Once you give to yourself you will have more to give to another!

1. Understanding Bullying as a Relational Issue

Bullying is more than just an individual problem; it occurs in the context of relationships. Whether verbal, physical, or cyber, bullying stems from power imbalances in social interactions. Children who bully often seek control or dominance, while those who are bullied feel powerless and isolated.

I view these dynamics through the lens of attachment, family communication patterns, and social learning. Children model their behavior on what they observe at home, in the media, and among peers. They may bully because they’ve experienced aggression or insecurity in their environment, or they may be mimicking unresolved conflicts they see in relationships around them.

3. Collaborating with Schools, Sports, and Communities

I believe in the power of collaboration between families, schools, sports teams, and communities in addressing bullying. Parents can’t prevent bullying alone—children spend a significant amount of time in school and in extracurricular activities like sports, where bullying often takes place. It’s crucial to work with educators, coaches, and administrators to create a supportive environment both at home and in the classroom.

• Advocate for Anti-Bullying Programs: Schools that implement comprehensive anti-bullying programs see reductions in bullying incidents. These programs often include teaching children about respect, diversity, and emotional regulation. Speak with my child’s school or sports league about their anti-bullying policies and how they handle incidents of bullying.
• Mandatory Anti-Bullying Training: In some sports organizations, there is now a requirement that both athletes and their families complete mandatory anti-bullying training before enrollment. This training helps ensure that all members understand what constitutes bullying, how to prevent it, and what actions to take if bullying occurs. By making this training a prerequisite for participation, sports teams foster a culture of respect and accountability both on and off the field.
• Encourage Peer Support Systems: Kids are more likely to intervene in bullying situations if they know they have support. Encourage my child to be an ally and stand up for classmates or teammates who may be bullied. Schools and sports teams can foster peer support through buddy systems, group activities, and student-led initiatives to create a culture of kindness.

5. Using Play Therapy to Address Bullying

For younger children or those who may struggle to express themselves verbally, Play Therapy can be an incredibly effective tool. Play Therapy allows children to communicate their feelings, experiences, and fears through play, a medium they are naturally comfortable with.

When dealing with the emotional effects of bullying, Play Therapy can help children:

• Process Trauma and Fear: Through play, children can act out bullying scenarios and express their emotions in a safe and non-threatening way. This helps therapists understand their internal world and guide them in processing their experiences.
• Build Coping Skills: Therapists can introduce scenarios and games that teach children how to manage their emotions, assert themselves, and develop social skills to navigate complex peer interactions.
• Enhance Self-Esteem: Play Therapy can reinforce a child’s self-worth by giving them a sense of mastery and control in therapeutic play settings. Positive reinforcement during these sessions helps them internalize self-confidence, making them less vulnerable to bullying or, conversely, less likely to bully others.

6. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) for Family Healing

Bullying often stems from attachment and relational issues, which can manifest as behavioral problems both at home and school. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), rooted in attachment theory, focuses on helping children develop secure relationships and heal from trauma by working with them and their caregivers.

For families affected by bullying, DDP can help by:

• Strengthening Parent-Child Connections: DDP encourages open, empathetic communication between children and their caregivers. By addressing attachment-related issues, DDP can help children feel more secure and valued within their family, reducing the likelihood of acting out or bullying behaviors.
• Repairing Emotional Wounds: For children who have been bullied, DDP creates a safe space to explore their feelings of hurt, fear, or anger. Caregivers are actively involved in the therapy process, which fosters a healing relationship and helps the child recover from the emotional damage caused by bullying.
• Addressing Aggressive Behavior: For children who engage in bullying, DDP helps explore the underlying emotions driving this behavior, such as insecurity or attachment disruptions. By creating a nurturing and responsive environment, DDP can reduce aggressive tendencies and promote healthier ways of relating to peers.

1) Apply Emotion Coaching Strategies

It is important to not only address the feeling of the parent and also the feelings of the child as we move closer to the first day of school. Perhaps parental/caregiver guilt is starting to set in, or the child is anxious as they transition from middle school to high school. It is important to not only check in with ourselves but also to check-in with my child which is simply a fancier way of saying: talk to my child. Ask open ended questions. Be specific. Be present in the moment so you really hear their answers. Summarize and validate my child’s feelings.

Depending on the age of my child, you may only get in a few open ended questions at a time but take advantage of when you can ask those questions. Be creative and choose the time wisely so to not cause more frustration for yourself and the child. Make sure you have their full attention. For example, in the car, while they are in the bath, or when you tuck them in at night.

It is important to not only hear the child’s feelings, concerns, anxieties, and stresses but to truly acknowledge them. Be empathetic and supportive. Reassure and do not attempt to problem solve. It is important for the child to understand that all these feelings are completely normal for any child that is transitioning back to school. Summarize and validate the child’s emotions is all that is needed. Keep in mind it is possible to transition without trying to problem solve and ultimately if the child is less stressed than it will carry over to the parents.
As a mother myself, I have found the following tips and tools to be helpful no matter what the age of the child.

4) Pack backpacks and lunch boxes the night before.

Lay out clothes for school and equipment for the after-school sports/activities.

It only takes a few extra minutes at the end of the day and depending on the age of the child they can certainly assist with these tasks. Make sure the field trip forms are signed, and the books/notebooks/pencils are put back in their backpack after the homework session. For the little children teaching them to help with these tasks will help you (and them) in the long run. In addition, when they help you pack their lunch you can be reassured that there are items in their lunch that they will actually want to eat. For the middle school and older children, they can most certainly pack their own lunches and pick out their own clothes. I am not saying this is going to eliminate the multiple outfit changes, but we must start somewhere. And how many times has the shin guard, cleats, or mouthpiece disappeared when you needed it most?

Give yourself credit for facilitating my children through another transition!! Well done!!

Recognizing Symptoms and Signs:

Childhood PTSD symptoms typically classified into fmy categories:

• Repeatedly visualizing memories of the traumatic event
• Engaging in behavioral reenactments and repetitive play linked to the event
• Experiencing trauma-related fears
• Developing pessimistic attitudes and conveying a sense of hopelessness about the future and life

Generally, the signs and symptoms of childhood PTSD can differ depending on the child’s age.

Young children may:

• Regress to earlier behaviors (e.g., bedwetting, loss of speech abilities).
• Exhibit extreme clinginess.
• Develop new fears.

School-aged children may:

• Struggle with concentration.
• Experience frequent nightmares.
• Show significant changes in academic performance.

Adolescents may:

• Exhibit symptoms similar to adults (e.g., flashbacks, avoidance of trauma reminders).
• Experience heightened anxiety and depression.
• Engage in self-destructive behaviors

Children are natural, creative explorers. Through the eyes of a child, the world can be a magical, untainted place filled with potential. It is in those formative childhood years that they are looking out into their world with curiosity to make sense of it all and develop key life skills. In lieu of developing abilities around verbal language, play and active engagement in the environment is how children express themselves. Within the safety of one type of play, imaginative or fantasy play, kids can see beyond what exists in front of them and explore the unknown with general freedom.

Some key benefits of Imaginative Play:

1. Encourages independence.

By being able to explore different ideas and make up their own rules, kids in play are naturally encouraged to be creative and take risks. This is an essential part of thinking critically and slowly gaining independence.

Return and transition into school will undoubtedly bring stress and anxiety. The new school year will bring a big change to my child’s schedule. Your child will have a lot of emotions about returning to school.  They could be excited, nervous, and sad all at the same time. Your child may need help to feel more prepared and comfortable on the first day of school by providing them with a comfort item.

Here are a few tips to smoothly transition into school

1. Set a routine now and start practicing the routine.
2. Validate and normalize my child’s emotions.
3. Prepare them with comfort items.
4. Practice relaxation and teach stress management skills now.

No! No! Let’s consider the value of another approach!

Many of us, as parents, are feeling overwhelmed by the idea that we are now responsible for my child’s education. Being in the middle of a world crisis can add a lot of pressure to both parents and children with the idea that we need to continue a strict academic schedule at home. I can be setting everyone up for failure because parents can’t teach when stressed just like children can’t learn when stressed. So, if you are feeling stressed about teaching my child during shelter in place, let’s stop, take a breath and relax!

During this time we can be comforted in the fact that children learn through play. Research shows that play can be more important than elementary academics. In 2013, Peter Gray, a developmental psychologist, attests in his book “Free to Learn”, that play is the primary way that children learn to solve problems, get along with peers, and become emotionally resilient. There is a correlation between directed schooling, less play, and increased psychological disorders in children, meaning forced academics can lead to higher levels of psychological disorders.

Many of my therapist colleagues are reporting drastic improvements in their young clients that struggle with depression, ADHD, and social anxiety since the start of the shelter in place. Their young clients are able to breath, relax, and have the mental space to learn in their own ways. The children are reporting feeling better and parents are reporting better behaviors.

So, instead of adding pressure to ourselves and my children with this idea that parents need to homeschool their kids, let’s use this time to get back to play. Give my kids a break and let them learn through play in their own way. Play can also provide comfort and calming that they need right now as the world, and their world, goes through this major trauma. Play with them – this is more valuable than what academic lessons alone could teach them right now.

Ideas of how to engage with my child:

Arts & Crafts
Story telling
Board games
Sports
Coloring
Creating anything

Cooking
Imagery play (dress up, dancing)
Building (blocks, wood, forts, etc)
Reading
Scavenger hunt
Gardening
Cards
Nature walks

As a parent, you might wonder what actually happens in play therapy. I’ve often been asked by parents: “Will my kid really just play?” A fair question, considering a parent carries the burden of bringing their child to therapy, possibly also participating in the session or patiently waiting. Play seems to be indulgent and something kids do all the time already. How can it be therapeutic?

Play is the language of children. The younger a child, the less likely they are to want to sit down and have a conversation with you. Talking can be intimidating or boring for children and they might not know the right words to express themselves. If you’ve ever spoken to a 6-year-old on the phone and asked them what’s going on in their lives, you’ll likely have heard something concrete like: “I am talking to you right now”. Inquiring about school or how they are doing might get you a “fine” or no answer at all.

You get the idea. As play is the language of children, it’s the most promising avenue to help a child deal with stressful events and express themselves. Children have an innate ability to process their experiences when they play. Their developing brains take this opportunity to make sense of and integrate information, and to work through problems.

To quote Mr. Rogers, from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood: “Play is often talked about as if it were relief from serious learning, but for children, play is serious learning”. And Maria Montessori, creator of the philosophy behind the Montessori School, called play the work of the child.

But I think what most parents really want to know is: What is the difference between regular play and play therapy?

During play therapy, a mental health professional with special training engages in non-directive or directive play with a child. In non-directive play therapy, the child chooses the toys and the therapist observes and possibly narrates what the child is doing. The therapist will only engage if invited by the child or to prevent harm. In directive play therapy, the therapist chooses the toys, or provides limited toy options to choose from, and engages directly with the child. The therapist presents interventions to guide a youth’s treatment toward a goal. Many play therapists practice integrated play therapy which blends non-directive and directive play therapy theories which blends the approaches to meet child’s goals.

In play therapy, the goal is to identify, address and resolve conflict in the child’s life, by providing a safe environment for the child to communicate and process what’s going on inside their hearts and minds.

Play therapy includes a child’s parent(s) in the treatment process as parents/caregivers are an important part of a child’s therapy. Sometimes parent(s) will join a child in the playroom and periodically parent(s) will have separate meetings with the therapist to work on strategies. A play therapist might direct a parent on how to interact with their child during play to help achieve specific goals, for example, to create a stronger bond between child and parent or to establish healthier boundaries.

February 2-8, 2020 is National Play Therapy Week, and as the Association for Play Therapy highlights: “There is more evidence now than ever that play therapy is improving children’s mental health and overall well-being”.

Please contact Therapy2Thrive at (925) 998-3392 if you’d like to learn more about how play therapy could benefit my child.