Illegal Risk

The National Campaign published a recent study that compiled statistics from a 2008 research study of Sex and Tech behavior among teens. It reported that 20% of teenagers overall have sent or posted nude or seminude pictures or video of themselves. The study also showed 39% of all teenagers are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages to each other.

Teens are at risk legally and socially by sending illicit information over the Internet or by cell phones. Teens who get caught, can be prosecuted as sex offenders. If this happens, they may then be required to register as a sex offender for the rest of their lives.

Preventing these risky behaviors is an important concern for parents, teens and communities. Providing resources to teens to assist them in understanding and preventing “sexting” behavior can help protect their futures.

1. Understanding Bullying as a Relational Issue

Bullying is more than just an individual problem; it occurs in the context of relationships. Whether verbal, physical, or cyber, bullying stems from power imbalances in social interactions. Children who bully often seek control or dominance, while those who are bullied feel powerless and isolated.

I view these dynamics through the lens of attachment, family communication patterns, and social learning. Children model their behavior on what they observe at home, in the media, and among peers. They may bully because they’ve experienced aggression or insecurity in their environment, or they may be mimicking unresolved conflicts they see in relationships around them.

3. Collaborating with Schools, Sports, and Communities

I believe in the power of collaboration between families, schools, sports teams, and communities in addressing bullying. Parents can’t prevent bullying alone—children spend a significant amount of time in school and in extracurricular activities like sports, where bullying often takes place. It’s crucial to work with educators, coaches, and administrators to create a supportive environment both at home and in the classroom.

• Advocate for Anti-Bullying Programs: Schools that implement comprehensive anti-bullying programs see reductions in bullying incidents. These programs often include teaching children about respect, diversity, and emotional regulation. Speak with my child’s school or sports league about their anti-bullying policies and how they handle incidents of bullying.
• Mandatory Anti-Bullying Training: In some sports organizations, there is now a requirement that both athletes and their families complete mandatory anti-bullying training before enrollment. This training helps ensure that all members understand what constitutes bullying, how to prevent it, and what actions to take if bullying occurs. By making this training a prerequisite for participation, sports teams foster a culture of respect and accountability both on and off the field.
• Encourage Peer Support Systems: Kids are more likely to intervene in bullying situations if they know they have support. Encourage my child to be an ally and stand up for classmates or teammates who may be bullied. Schools and sports teams can foster peer support through buddy systems, group activities, and student-led initiatives to create a culture of kindness.

5. Using Play Therapy to Address Bullying

For younger children or those who may struggle to express themselves verbally, Play Therapy can be an incredibly effective tool. Play Therapy allows children to communicate their feelings, experiences, and fears through play, a medium they are naturally comfortable with.

When dealing with the emotional effects of bullying, Play Therapy can help children:

• Process Trauma and Fear: Through play, children can act out bullying scenarios and express their emotions in a safe and non-threatening way. This helps therapists understand their internal world and guide them in processing their experiences.
• Build Coping Skills: Therapists can introduce scenarios and games that teach children how to manage their emotions, assert themselves, and develop social skills to navigate complex peer interactions.
• Enhance Self-Esteem: Play Therapy can reinforce a child’s self-worth by giving them a sense of mastery and control in therapeutic play settings. Positive reinforcement during these sessions helps them internalize self-confidence, making them less vulnerable to bullying or, conversely, less likely to bully others.

6. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) for Family Healing

Bullying often stems from attachment and relational issues, which can manifest as behavioral problems both at home and school. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), rooted in attachment theory, focuses on helping children develop secure relationships and heal from trauma by working with them and their caregivers.

For families affected by bullying, DDP can help by:

• Strengthening Parent-Child Connections: DDP encourages open, empathetic communication between children and their caregivers. By addressing attachment-related issues, DDP can help children feel more secure and valued within their family, reducing the likelihood of acting out or bullying behaviors.
• Repairing Emotional Wounds: For children who have been bullied, DDP creates a safe space to explore their feelings of hurt, fear, or anger. Caregivers are actively involved in the therapy process, which fosters a healing relationship and helps the child recover from the emotional damage caused by bullying.
• Addressing Aggressive Behavior: For children who engage in bullying, DDP helps explore the underlying emotions driving this behavior, such as insecurity or attachment disruptions. By creating a nurturing and responsive environment, DDP can reduce aggressive tendencies and promote healthier ways of relating to peers.

Teen dating violence refers to abusive behavior within romantic relationships involving teenagers. It occurs when one exerts power and control over their partner through various means. Recognizing signs of dating abuse is crucial for parents and caregivers to help support teenagers who may be experiencing such situations. Here are some key points regarding teen dating violence:

Challenges Leaving an Abusive Relationship:

• It can be difficult for teenagers to leave an abusive relationship due to various reasons, including emotional attachment, fear, and manipulation by the abuser.
• Parents and caregivers may feel frustrated and frightened upon realizing their child is in an unhealthy relationship.

From the life stages perspective, adolescence is considered as a critical link between infancy, childhood and adulthood, especially in late adolescence (14yrs.-19 yrs.) or the “transition phase”. This stage is associated with significant physical, psychological, and social transitions which require unconditional love and care, guidance, empathetic understanding, and support from parents and caregivers in order for these teens to successfully overcome life stressors.

Late adolescence or the transition period provides an opportunity for youth to explore, learn, and grow as healthy young adults. That requires learning fmy key life skills: (1) individuation, (2) separation, (3) autonomy, and (4) cooperation. However, this stage can be very difficult and may pose increased risks for life-long biopsychosocial challenges if youth do not get proper support, care, guidance, and safe environments to grow.

Bullying remains an enduring problem that youth face both in school and in the cyber world. What’s more, the anonymity of the cyberbullying can make that form of bullying especially brutal and constant as it has the ability to effect youth 24/7 with no breaks from the cruelty. Even though bullying is not a direct cause of suicide behavior in children and teens, bullying can make youth feel very isolated and alone. According to Hinduja and Patchin, (2018) youth are more likely to have an increase in suicidal ideation if they experience either school based bullying or online bullying but either alone does not increase suicidal attempts. However, youth who experience both types of bullying together have an exponentially higher likelihood of taking one’s life (Hindja & Patchin, 2018). 

Having worked with many youths over the years, I have explored the reasons as to why youth do not feel able to disclose about the bullying they face. Many youths reported that they do not want to talk about the bullying because:

• They do not want to be a “tattletale”.
• They do not want to get another person in trouble.
• The have felt embarrassed by what they were getting bullied about and are ashamed to share it.
• They are afraid they would end up in trouble because they shared.
• They are afraid that they did something they weren’t supposed to and now it is being used against them.

Adults – How to Listen:

Grown-ups should be open to listening to the youth’s story and to hearing the youth’s point of view, especially why they did not want to tell.

Be a tell-able adult; if you are worried the said youth will not come to you, here are some tips on how to listen:

• Reduce eye contact. Youth often feel less vulnerable if they do not have to be eye to eye with an adult.
• Brain storm about their ideas of how to approach the bully. Listen to understand versus trying to move to a solution before understanding the situation
• Work together on a plan of action
• Follow up on if the plan is working and if not, what options can be tried next.

Youths – How to Tell:

If you choose a friend, the second step is to go with the friend to a trusted adult, so that they can help you make a plan to stop the bullying and to help you find support.

If you are worried about talking to an adult here are some tips on how to do it:

• If the first person you tell doesn’t listen, tell someone else.
• Pick a neutral time and place, sometimes car rides can help it feel less intense, just make sure there is enough time to have the whole converstation
• Explain why you are hesitant to share, for example:
  • You are worried they will over react
  • You are worried they will take my electronics
  • You are worried you will get in trouble
  • You are worried that they will make the situation worse
  • You are worried that they will make you confront the bullies
  • And/or express whatever other worries you have
• Tell them it’s hard for you to share so it would help if they would listen without interrupting.
• Tell them what you want them to do, i.e. take action or just listen. If you are not sure what to do, ask the adult to work with you on developing a plan of action.
• Be prepared to show them what’s been happening so that they will understand.
• Lastly, if you don’t have an adult you feel comfortable talking to, ask to go to therapy or seek out my school counselor where what you share will be held in confidence.*

How Can Telling Help:

• It can relieve you from feeling isolated and alone.
• Helpers are often able to give you some ideas about how to deal with it and support you when you are being hurt.
• Bullying tends to only get worse and become more harmful to you, so you will want someone on my team.

*Therapy is confidential expect if there are serious threats to you or someone else’s safety.

Hinduja, S. & Patchin, J. (2018). Connecting Adolescent Suicide to the Severity of Bullying and Cyberbullying. Journal of School Violence. 1-14. 10.1080/15388220.2018.1492417.

Why Should You Care?

According to the CDC, suicide is the second leading cause of death for ages 15-29. The stigma around suicide can make it scary to bring the topic of suicide up to a teen, just like talking about sex and drugs. Moreover, some people may worry that talking about suicide with a teen might give them suicidal thoughts or behaviors. In the Internet of Everything era, we must remind ourselves that teens have access to many real-world topics, talking about suicide does not give them the idea. In fact, talking about suicide can help teens express their concerns, access help and identify strategies for preventing suicide. So, let us talk about how to talk about suicide with teens!

Tips for Talking to Teens about Suicide

Talk about suicide during a neutral time

• Driving in the car
• Sharing a meal together
• Watching television

De-stigmatize by talking about suicide with support and empathy, hold judgment to open the conversation.

• Show empathy instead of reluctance to help teens know you are open to talking about suicide
• Let teens know you are a safe person to discuss suicide
• Normalize the fact that people think about suicide and talking and getting help is useful
• Provide education about suicide www.afsp.org or www.suicidolgy.com

If they bring up suicide:

• Talk more in depth about suicidal thoughts and if they have a plan or the means to die
• Listen, be supportive and caring
• Stay with your teen – do not leave them alone, even to call for assistance
• Seek immediate help for them by calling the National Suicide Hotline or call 911 immediately
• Seek support from therapists and psychiatrists who specializes in working with teens and suicide

The key is to not shy away from the topic so when the time comes that the teen needs to talk about their thoughts of suicide, they know you are a safe person. Talking about it openly lets them know that you would be comfortable dealing with their thoughts about it, and are a person who can take care of them in the event that they are in a crisis. They know they can talk about it with you instead of living in shame, isolation, and/or despair that the stigma of suicide can bring.

Five Tips for Talking to Teens in A Tech World!

1) Minimize Eye Contact

In the age of computers and social media it is clear that talking to teens would be better if you do not attempt to make too much eye contact with them! One successful strategy has been only to hold conversations in person with no eye contact. This can be successfully completed conversing in the car, watching TV or while cooking dinner.

2) Talking to Teens Through Texting Really Works

Discover what teens have been trying to tell us long ago. Texting requires no eye contact and for the most part, teens do read texts! I find teens are relatively responsive as long as texts are short and to the point. Guard against TMI (too much information) and keep requests to 1 or a maximum of 2.

3) Post it on Instagram

If reading a text is not working a picture is worth a thousand words. A photo of dirty dishes left by your teen or a pile of dirty laundry can be an effective tool to engage chore completion with no words or eye contact needed.

4) SnapChat my LOVE

Teens are often hard to hug and express my love and parental affection to although they still appreciate it and need it! Try sending a SnapChat of a Hersey’s Kiss or a Heart on a Post It Note! Not as warm as a hug but it has the added benefit of disappearing in 10 seconds (if they do not take a screen shot) so your teen will not be embarrassed and no one will ever know how much they are loved!

5) Tweet Your Teen

If all non-eye contact options have not been effective, feel free to Tweet your teen! I have two options here. The first is to cut out a paper blue bird shape, writing my message on it and hang it on their bedroom wall! I received mix reviews from your teens. “Mom, I do not think you really get this Tweeting thing!!!” Then I finally got a twitter account and sent a real Tweet #noeyecontact and #momluvsu!

By Leslie Baker, MA, Marriage and Family Therapist, NCC at Therapy2Thrive, a family counseling center in Pleasanton