Many people struggle with lack of connection, feelings of loneliness and conflict in their relationships. Often partners wish to spend more time together but sacrifice it because of work and other family responsibilities. They believe that money enables them “connect” and use it to deal with their anxiety and develop their relationships. In this new economy, couples have the opportunity to create a new way of connecting around each other, rather than around bank accounts, and bring joy back into their relationships.

Having more time can be a first step toward building stronger relationships, but time together can bring its own challenges. Many couples become over focused on problems and spend too much time discussing them.

Valentine’s Day, the day of celebrating “love” was declared February 14 around 498 A.D. by Pope Gelasius. Rituals like Valentine’s Day are important for building connections in relationships. The process of acknowledging and affirming the importance of a relationship can be a crucial element for building stronger bonds. Developing rituals that are celebrated throughout the year is an effective strategy toward deeper meaning and friendship.

Valentine’s Day is a ritual that formalizes the acknowledgement of the love and connection people feel about their significant others. Canary, D. J., Stafford, L., Hause, K. S., & Wallace, L. A. (1993) noted that joint activities are viewed as the strategy most important in maintaining relationships. Rituals can encompass many different activities in a relationship including:

• Couples time – Enjoyable activities shared together including hobbies, meals and mutually shared interests.
• Symbolic Rituals – Rituals that mark celebrations of birthdays, holidays. This also includes rituals that include pet names and play rituals.
• Daily routines and tasks – Morning and evening rituals, bedtime, and other daily rituals.
• Intimacy expressions – Rituals in both emotional and physical intimacy.
• Communication rituals – Sharing, supporting, and venting rituals.
• Spiritual rituals – Personal and community rituals.
• Bruess and Pearson (1997; 2002)

Changing my Thoughts for the Holidays

It’s the happiest time of the year. The holidays are wonderful. Getting to see my family and spend quality time with them is so magical. Everyone is happy. These statements don’t often apply to everyone. In fact the holidays can be the most difficult time of the year. People might feel stressed and overwhelmed about having to do it all and present the picture perfect life. Family time is not necessary quality time for everyone. So here are some ways to reduce my stress through changing some of those negative/false/self-defeating thoughts. This is CBT for the holidays. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is challenging and changing my unhelpful thoughts, to decrease the intensity of my emotions, and improving my emotional state.

This year I went on an epic backpacking trip that challenged my body and soul in ways that I had underestimated. The trip brought me out of the country and onto a trail that was rated difficult to strenuous. I suffered through different types of terrain from beach rock-hopping to canopy covered up and down switchbacks to scaling muddy walls with rope all whilst carrying backpacks filled with my supplies. It was every sense of an adventure. When I reflect back on the trip, so many memories fill my heart and mind with gratitude of the struggle and triumph.

Moreover, while backpacking is a wholly individual process and experience, it is also an incredible group journey. Along the trail, we came across other backpackers and every single one of them was ready and willing to help with offers of sharing water or warnings of what to expect ahead or even a simple statement of encouragement that says “you got this!”. On one particularly strenuous day of hiking, we came to a creek crossing that involved scaling down a muddy embankment using only a rope that was left behind. It involved crossing the creek, and then climbing up another muddy and slippery embankment with a different rope to reach the next part of the trail. When we arrived, there were two other groups helping each other down and up either side of the embankment and as we walked up, they were eager to extend their helping hands to my group—a complete set of strangers.

What’s more, a part of being on a busy trail is being aware of arriving to my destination camp at a reasonable time in order to secure a good camp site for the night. When you are on a trail with others, campsites become limited and you run the risk of not securing one. That was not a factor that seemed to influence these backpackers as much as was their generosity of spirit to help another. They lifted my heavy backpacks and helped us navigate the slippery slopes. Once we maneuvered ourselves down and up, another group had arrived behind us. Since we were extended the kindness of others, it felt only natural to pay it forward and do the same for the other group. A chain reaction of generosity and support ensued.

Now, when I look back on that particular trip, memories and feelings from those interactions overwhelm me with gratitude. It is those moments of genuine kindness from complete strangers that stick with me and give me hope on days blanketed with a cover of bleakness. They are fuel to keep my engine running.

A smile to a stranger, a phone call to a friend, a written note saying hello, holding the door one extra second for someone else are all ways to slow down and create connections with simple acts of kindness. So during this season of gratitude and giving, take notice of the small kindnesses that others show and become a piece of that kindness chain reaction. May it give my soul fuel through the holiday season and beyond.

Check out this short Youtube video on The Science of Kindness:

Do you remember that giddy feeling of my childhood knowing that the holiday season meant time off from school? For most kids, the excitement of the holiday break is a sense of eager anticipation that starts at the beginning of the school year. For parents and caregivers, the second longest break from school can bring on both a sense of excitement and a sense of overwhelm at the thought of having to keep the kids busy on their days off. If you are taking some time off to overlap the holiday break with my family and are planning to staycation at home, there are loads of fun, inexpensive activities to engage my time with the family.

A great way to start is by sitting down to make a holiday bucket list together. This is a list of all the things that you want to do with my time off. The action of collaborating and creating a list together empowers the voice of everyone involved. By simply asking and listening, you are building upon a relationship of trust and respect. Here are some ideas to get the brain juices flowing…

1. Collage

Do you have extra magazines or newspapers around the house? Collaging is a great way to recycle those magazines that you may have only read once or twice and get my kids to tap into their creative right brains. All you need are some glue sticks, scissors, and paper. You can even offer an old shoe box or pieces of cardboard to be decorated with collage art and then seal the art with a layer of modge podge for a nice, sheen finish. Collaging takes time and can be done over the course of a couple days and promotes reflection and self-expression through pictures and words.

2. Stomp in puddles

Mild winter weather in the bay can offer some great opportunities to get outside. Whether that’s bundling up in waterproof clothing and running around outside jumping in rain puddles or enjoying the crisp, winter sunshine and taking a walk to a nearby park or school yard, just the experience of being outside can be calming and grounding. For the weekend warriors, there are loads of family-oriented holiday events happening (both indoor and outdoor) which you and family or friends can enjoy. For holiday events in the East Bay, check out: https://www.510families.com/east-bay-holiday-activities/. For holiday events in the larger Bay Area, check out: https://www.bayareakidfun.com/christmas-fun-in-the-bay-area/

3. Arts and Crafts table

Nothing is more special than a gift made from the heart. A great activity for kids to dive into on days off is arts and crafts. You can go to the local dollar store or find various things around the house and even outside that can be crafted into gifts. Like painting stones, or making necklaces with buttons and beads, creating handwritten holiday or New Years cards to be given out to friends and family, ironing dried leaves or flowers in between two pieces of wax paper to create a heartfelt gift for anyone. Give kids room for creativity and off they will go!

4. Collect things to donate

The holidays are a time to reflect on what you are grateful for and if you read last month’s post on gratitude, you would remember how developing a practice of gratitude enhances my mind and body wellness through personal reflection and human connection. This is the season where there are plenty of toy drives or food drives in the community that are seeking donations. If you have gently used toys or clothes that you are no longer in need of, donating to a good cause can promote a sense of gratitude and empathy in kids and adults alike!

5. Go to the local library

The library is a great resource for free activities. Often, they will have a schedule or other resources available to the community of events such as story times or volunteer events. You can find information on library events online.

With a little creativity and intention, the holiday break can be one of relaxation, creativity and fun for everyone. What fun projects or ideas would you share in addition to the suggested list?

As always, if you find yourself stressed beyond my own ability to cope and bounce back productively, you are not alone and we are here to help. Give us a call today and we can help you by starting with a phone consultation!

With the holidays coming up, I think it is worth taking a look at the way we experience them.  Holidays are rituals of connection in my life, ways that we come together and spend meaningful time around values we want to honor, cherish, or have fun with.  If we dread the holidays, there could be different reasons for this.  Some of us may be feeling the loss of someone in my lives that means the holidays this year may be bittersweet with memories and loss.  Perhaps, though, we have not taken the time to talk with my partners and family about how we want to move through this time together.  Or if we have not talked about this recently and things have changed in my lives since the last holiday season.

It may be important to think about how this time of my lives may change as well (perhaps when the kids are in college it is time to re-think the Santa suit).  Maybe we are a new couple and are looking forward to the holidays for the first time together.  If you don’t already know, check in with each other and share how the holidays were celebrated in the past for you and what you liked and/or disliked about them.

When thinking about the upcoming holidays, consider taking time to ponder the following questions with my partner and/or family:

• What is meaningful about this for you?
• When will this be done?
• How often will it be done?
• How long should it last each time?
• Who will initiate what?
• What will happen next?
• How will it end?
• How can we integrate this into my lives so we can count on it?

These kinds of conversation are great date night conversations to have! My parents led us in holiday celebrations that shifted and changed over the years.  From making tamales with extended family, to Christmas on the beach in Mexico when my brother and I were in High School, the activities changed, but the focus was on what was meaningful for us a family: spending time together, enjoying good food, relaxation, and playing the occasional prank on one another (like the time swim trunks were stolen from the patio of the hotel room overnight, then mysteriously showed up after breakfast wet with salt water, “My goodness, someone borrowed them for a swim!”).  Now, my husband and I celebrate the holidays through choosing different exotic recipes we want to try and share with family members, with half the fun being scouring my library of cookbooks to create an interesting menu and heading out to find the ingredients we need to be able to make the meal together.

Whatever holiday ritual you choose to celebrate in the coming months (from Halloween to New Years and beyond), may you find ways to make the season meaningful and full of joy!

If you are having trouble with the holiday season, remember Theraryp2Thrive is here to help. Just give us a call 925-998-3392.

How are those New Year’s Resolutions going?