People often ask, “Will reading children’s books on special concerns, like anxiety, depression or mental health issues help my child?” The answer according to research is, yes! (Marrs, R.W., 1995; Dimova, 2007, Petris & Dimova, 2008 and Oelofsen, I., & Grobler, H., 2013)

Reading books like Healing Feelings: A healing story for children coping with a grownup’s mental illness to a child that lives with and/or interacts regularly with grownup who is managing a mental illness can benefit from the practice of bibliotherapy.

Bibliotherapy is the process of experiencing the written word such as books, poetry, and other written works by reading and exploring a book with my child! Bibliotherapy includes interacting with the written media with the purpose of delving into the concepts in order to increase emotional awareness, healing and psycho-education.  One of the goals of bibliotherapy is to provide insight for a child about the situation or special issue that the child is experiencing.

For a child, the type of bibliotherapy most often utilized is called Interactive Bibliotherapy in which a parent, foster parent, caregiver, therapist, counselor, psychologist, social worker, teacher and/or other person facilitates, not just in simply reading the story, but interacts with the child about the story.

The facilitator may draw attention to the feelings, connections, and/or situations in the story. The parent or counselor might wonder aloud, “Ouch, I might feel hurt if that were happening in my family.”  Another caregiver might say, “Point to the place on my body where you feel the worried feeling?” Some children will simply listen, other children may like to play along by naming feelings, finding and naming body sensations, or mimicking the voices of the characters. Since play is the language of children bibliotherapy can flow into playing. Some children like to imagine “what if” scenarios about the main characters. Others write or tell their own stories. While others enjoy creating a story from the book or poem into interactive play by either choosing to act out the story in a tray of sand with miniature figures or by acting out drama in live role play with costumes, hats and props. They may want to act out a “feeling” of a character or be a particular “character” and play out the story.

Children integrate emotions by expressing their stories through play. According to Dan Siegel & Tina Bryson (2011) the ability for a child to express their stories allows their brains to integrate the emotions and experiences. This enhances a child’s ability to gain a sense of mastery over experiences that trouble them and allow the child to have the opportunity to make sense of what is happens in their world. This can reduce stress and anxiety for children.

How can the stories like Healing Feelings: A healing story for children coping with a grownup’s mental illness help children? According to the National Institutes on Health, in 2015 there were an estimated 9.8 million adults aged 18 or older in the United States with severe mental illness.  A serious mental illness substantially interferes with or limits one or more major life activities. This may include depression, alcohol or drug use, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety or other mental health issues.

Research studies over the years have indicated that bibliotherapy, especially that addressing children’s feelings is especially useful with issues of anxiety, which can be a common symptom with children coping with parent/caregiver with a diagnosis of mental illness. Children may show generalized anxiety or extreme worry about their parent or caregiver. Pretis and Dimvoa, (2008) recommend, in order to build resiliency in children whose parents suffer from a mental illness that “fostering an attachment to a healthy adult – including professionals in the social field – and providing information about the disorder are regarded as two important preventive factors” for children. Both of which can be achieved in the process of interactive bibliotherapy.

Attachment to a caregiver is critical in building a sense of trust and security base in all children. Pretis and Dimvoa** stated “age-appropriate information for children explaining the behavior and emotions shown towards them by their parents is regarded as one of the most challenging, but also most important factors in safeguarding child and adolescent mental health.” The message of Healing Feelings: A healing story for children coping with a grownup’s mental illness is hope for healing. The message is that mental illness can be treated and people do get better. Children often feel responsible for the emotions and difficulties with the grownups and families in their lives. The purpose of this story is to help children know that they are not at fault for adult’s emotions and their caregivers and/or family member has an opportunity for healing with help and time.

I tried to find a book to help me explain to my children that my own depression was not their fault. I also wanted to communicate to them that seeking help from a professional is healthy, even if it was taking time for me to feel better. I wanted my children to know I would not give up on getting better, and that even with my sadness, I loved them deeply.

It was my own experience of debilitating post-partum depression that impacted my family, which inspired me to write Healing Feeling: A healing story for children coping with a grownup’s mental illness.

My hope is that the story of my journey to help my own children heal and grow with interactive bibliotherapy, will help other children experience hope and healing. My desire is that my book also inspires caregiver’s to use these types of stories with interactive bibliotherapy to help other children. The tools found in bibliotherapy are powerful and helpful for children’s understanding of a grownup’s mental illness.

Well, I simply don’t believe there is anyone who is “oversensitive”. At my core, we are emotional beings and it is those emotions that make us who we are (for better and for worse). Myfeelings and emotions are with us for good reasons. They are here to guide and protect us. They help us make decisions and they let us know when something needs attention. So why do we think that we are “oversensitive”? If you can relate to this, than it is worth taking a closer look at why you burden yourself with this perspective.

In essence I feel that “oversensitive” is a phantom. It is a perspective that has been handed to us from belief systems which pair “strong” with “emotionally controlled” and “weak” with “emotional and sensitive”. It will come as no big surprise to any reader of this post that a therapist disagrees with that, however my disagreement comes with the perspective that a significant part of the struggles we have are a result of my denial of and desire to avoid my feelings and emotions.

I truly understand why we wish we did not have to feel the full brunt of my emotions when they hit us full force. Life throws losses and hurts in my way and the feelings that come as a result often feel overwhelming. It is normal that when we are in emotional pain we wish we weren’t and it sometimes feels like more than we can handle. When we add onto that a critical and invalidating dose of “I’m just being oversensitive” it pushes us away from feeling the emotions that are there for good reason. It looks like this…we have hurt or loss and my hearts ache. It may be sadness, anger, anxiety, overwhelm, helplessness, or any other strong emotion. I have no choice but to feel those feelings because like it or not they are with us as a result of what we have gone through. Then, we start telling ourselves “I am just being oversensitive” which denies and invalidates those feelings…then we are stuck having strong feelings and at the same time telling ourselves we should not be having those feelings and that doesn’t allow us to move through them.

When I work with clients who are in a lot of emotional pain I often start by finding out how much they may be criticizing themselves for having feelings and emotions that are completely reasonable and understandable given their situations. I often find that what occurred to cause those feelings is deeply impactful and the feelings and emotions they have as a result are just what they should be.

The good news is that this is something we can really shift. An important part of therapy is to help my clients let go of telling themselves they are oversensitive and on to listening to what their feelings and emotions are telling them. This allows them to make important decisions, to grieve, to heal, and make changes in their lives that bring more peace and healing in their lives.

However, this isn’t only something we can work on in the counseling room. So, what can we do ourselves about the feeling that we are being oversensitive? How can we move toward healing my hurts if we negate their validity? Here are a few steps to move toward self-acceptance, emotional validation, and healing.

1 – Identify what you are feeling by naming the emotions. Rather than using words like “I feel upset” or “I am so pissed off” ask yourself what the feelings are and call them what they are such as sad, overwhelmed, angry, or hurt.

2 – Allow yourself to accept those feelings without judgment. This does not mean you have to act on them or that they will be with you forever but weather you accept or reject them, those feelings are with you for good reason.

3 – Sort out my feelings (as there is usually more than one or two) and ask yourself to name what contributes to my feeling this emotion. If you have someone you trust with whom you can talk it through, that often helps. However, you can also journal or just take the time to sit down and think them through.

4 – Pursue acceptance of my emotional world. When you understand what you feel, and what goes into my feeling it is much easier to validate those feelings and emotions.

5 – Remember that kindness and acceptance lead to healing and growth as opposed to rejection and invalidation that lead to disconnection and isolation. You can offer kindness and healing to yourself when you are struggling.

It is my hope my clients will find kindness for themselves as they travel their paths. Life is full of wonderful experiences and emotions as well as challenges and hurts. I don’t see any way it is helpful to us to deny my emotions by writing them off as my being “oversensitive”. Be kind to yourself, you will be glad you did .