Is happiness born, raised or developed through practice?

Researcher indicates that only about 50% of happiness comes from nature and/or nurture. The other 50% is considered to be a strategy that people can learn, practice and develop. Dr. Shilagh Mirgain a senior psychologist from the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at the Waisman Center and assistant professor at the University of Wisconsin notes the 5-3-1 strategy for happiness. The strategy includes the following three elements:

• 5 minutes of Meditation a day – with 20 minutes of meditation strengthens and builds the grey matter in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. The front part of the brain that helps people focus, make decisions and manage emotions.
• Write down 3 good things that happened to you each day – Mybrains tend to focus and remember the negative events in my day. Writing down the positives refocuses my mind from the negative sentiments to a more positive perspective. A positive perspective is linked to happier people.
• Extend 1 kind act every day. No matter how big or small being kind to others makes us feel good inside and reflects back on my happiness. Being kind to others builds positivity in relating to others and this brings more positivity from others to you.
  These are three practices can be utilized daily according to Dr. Shilagh Mirgain to improve my happiness levels. Try 5-3-1 practice and see if it works for you.

Please Note: Depression is a clinical issue. Happiness can be improved by practicing skills to improve levels of happiness, but it is important for depression to be assessed and treated. If you experience feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest, changes in sleep patterns, changes in appetite, and/or thoughts of suicide, please reach out immediately for assistance by calling a mental health provider or call the crisis lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). These are serious symptoms and with proper assessment and treatment can be treated. There is hope, please reach out today. Contact my counselors in Pleasanton for consultation.

Carroll, L. (2015, July 7). Seeking happiness at work? Try these simple practices to turn it around. Today.com Retrieved July 12, 2015, from http://www.today.com/money/unhappy-work-turn-it-around-these-simple-steps-t30481

Love yourself daily!

Leslie Baker, Marriage and Family Therapist, NCC in Pleasanton

We have become enthralled by the world and what others have to say about us. Whether the message comes from gossip or from what Facebook or Instagram “Likes” or doesn’t. This can be fun and exciting but it only lasts for a few moments. We can obsess on media to approve of who we are or we can trust ourselves by looking inside to define how truly unique and extraordinary we are!

Take these 4 tools to connect with yourself without counting on technology to approve of you:

Think It Daily!

Think of two positive things that you can repeat to yourself daily. These can be behaviors; (I am a good driver), feelings (I am excited today) or things you like (I love my humorous view on life!)

Say It Daily!

Say two positive things you believe about yourself daily. “I am a good friend!”, “I love to cook,” or things like “I like to help others, “I’m a great reader!”.

Do It Daily!

Do at least one nice thing to take care of “you” daily. It can be simple and healthy. Eat my favorite healthy snack, skip down the street, take the stairs, park in the shade, call my best friend, take my lunch break.

Cultivate a sacred moment Daily!

Every person’s view of what is sacred to them is unique, but it can be anything and everything from watching a hummingbird drink from a feeder to watching a sunset or saying a sacred prayer. Take a moment to find my sacred moment that fits for you every day.

Find my way toward a daily practice by trying these 4 tools. You will feel better if you work from the inside out! If you feel overwhelmed, pick one; think it daily. Change begins with one small thing. Thinking a new thought is a huge change and a great way to start!

Contact Leslie Baker, Marriage and Family Therapist for individual counseling in Pleasanton.

When it comes to talking about mental health concerns, the Asian community faces many cultural barriers that prevent this open and much needed discussion. One strong cultural force is the idea of “saving face”. The term “face” is associated with honor, dignity and reputation in the eyes of others. Thus the term “saving face” essentially means to preserve the respect of others, or the community at large.

Asian culture is one rooted in the collective, or interdependence versus the more Western practice of independence. There is a great sense of pride in achievement for the family as a whole—when one person is doing well, it looks good for the whole family and vice versa.

“Saving face” is a deeply traditional concept that holds how one is viewed in very high esteem. Unfortunately, the value that this holds in the community mentality fuels many negative attitudes towards seeking and receiving “outside” help. A common solution for Asian families needing any kind of support is to seek help from within the family system. For example, Aunties or Uncles can often serve as sources of information so that families don’t need to seek help from outside sources. The trouble with this mentality is that it perpetuates the need for secrecy and builds a potent sense of shame when more acute help is needed. My own experience with facing mental illness within my own extended Asian family system has resulted in the loss of not being able to know about or build relationships with multiple members of my own family. Growing up, there was a strongly reinforced façade that recognition of mental illness was not able to penetrate.

The good news is that there are a few things you can do to accelerate my recovery from heart break, although it is likely to take some time.

Here are 10 tips to help with getting over heartbreak:

1. Give yourself time to grief. You’ve experienced a loss and feeling down is normal.
2. Escape. Yes, escape. Escapism can happen in the form of watching a movie, reading a book or playing a video game. Allow yourself time away from my thoughts and let yourself be transported into somebody else’s story for a short while.
3. Be good to yourself. This might seem obvious but when we are down in the dumps, self-care often falls to the wayside. Do something that you really enjoy. This could involve food, exercise, reading a good book, or maybe just walking over a lawn without my shoes on. Plan to do at least one self-care activity each day.
4. Don’t judge yourself. It doesn’t matter if your relationshipwas happy or dysfunctional, you have a right to grief the loss of it. It’s human to struggle with separation and change. You are not being over-sensitive. Turns out the brain registers heartbreak just like physical pain.
5. Train yourself on some new habits. If you get sad when you visit the coffee shop where you used to hang out with my ex, maybe it’s time to find a new favorite spot that evokes no memories too difficult to handle.
6. Let other people know what you need. Sometimes people who mean well can be so annoying when they say or do the wrong thing. Make it easy for the people around you to make you feel better and tell them if you need space or would like company, for example.
7. Focus on something else. If you can find the energy, learn something new. Something you didn’t do while you were with my ex. Things that come to mind are learning to play a new instrument, taking up jogging, learning how to cook, getting a pet, gardening etc.
8. Be mindful. If you have a meditation or other mindfulness practice, this is a good time to bring out these coping skills to center yourself. If not, any activity you engage in can be mindful, for example, focus on the food you are eating as you are looking at it, chewing it, tasting it. Or feel how my foot roles from heal to toes when you walk.
9. Practice thought stopping. This can seem difficult at first but gets easier with practice. If you find my mind ruminating about my breakup, say “STOP” and think of something else. Sometimes, putting my hand out in front of you as if you were actually stopping an object can increase the effectiveness of this technique.
10. Set a time limit. It helps some people to allot a certain amount of time for self-pity. During that time, allow yourself to wallow in my sorrow, complain to anybody who will listen about my hardship, and feel no guilt about making everything about yourself. You can even tell my friends that you’ll be a mess for a week but then plan to move on.

In many ways, my experience as adults can be seen as different and maybe even easier than for my kids. For them, their worlds changed in an instant—on Friday they were in school and come Monday they were told to stay at home for an unknown amount of time. Whereas parents and adults have likely been following some kind of news outlet to get information about the spread of the pandemic from the beginning.

When structures or routines change, kids have to adapt to those changes and for some, adapting to change can prove to be more challenging which can result in some difficult behavioral responses. In today’s case, normally scheduled end-of-the-year celebrations like graduation or promotion ceremonies, field trips, dances and class parties have all been canceled. These are experiences that students often look forward to for the entire year as these celebrations mark a sense of pride in completion. That closing experience is an important and valuable ritual of achievement for my children because it allows them to end one chapter and start another. It is the ritual of an ending that marks a new beginning. In the age of coronavirus, the uncertainty is palpable and the future unknown. While we are trying to graciously accept this experience and adjust as we go, sometimes the emotions simply bubble over. So, if you’re noticing a recent change in my child’s behaviors for the worse, it is likely in response to all the losses and change they are attempting to manage and understand.

For most people, sheltering-in-place has its challenges. I am one of them.

My daily routine has been turned upside down, including (1) I am no longer going to the office, (2) I can’t go to the yoga studio for my workout routine, and (3) I am unable to socialize with my friends.

Without a doubt, you have my own list of things you can no longer do or that have changed. Maybe you have children and they are now home from school, while you still have to work from home. All of this can be pretty stressful and possibly depressing.

According to Harvard Business Review, we are not alone in this grief. Yes. Grief!

In his article That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief , Senior Harvard Business Review Editor Scott Berniato interviews grief expert David Kessler, who explains why we are grieving:

I feel the world has changed, and it has. I know this is temporary, but it doesn’t feel that way and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change, and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. I am not used to this kind of collective grief in the air. (Berinato, 2020, para. 5)

Here fmy steps to help you manage COVID-19 grief:

1. Try to calm yourself by being present. And don’t be afraid to name what you are feeling as grief. This is a good time to meditate, walk, knit or engage in any type of activity that relaxes you. Instead of running away from my feelings, allow yourself time to process what’s going on by grounding, accepting, and letting it go through you.
2. Stop feeling guilty about feeling sad. Sadness is a common reaction to this type of crisis. You are in the same boat as thousands of other people who are feeling COVID-19 grief. Yes, others might have it worse, but their situation won’t improve because you are feeling bad. One of the best things to do right now is to be kind to yourself and put my own oxygen mask on first.
3. Focus on the positive. Engage in activities that you can do during this crisis that help to cheer you up, like talking to a friend or going out into nature. While you might feel hopeless and sad, remind yourself of my blessings. What are three things that you can think of that you are grateful for? Finally, if you have the resources, consider helping others in this crisis who are less fortunate. For example, here a list of volunteer opportunities posted by the State of California (2020).
4. Create a new routine. For many, the shelter-in-place order has turned my lives upside down, with many people suddenly working from home or not working at all. Retired astronaut Scott Kelly (2020), who spent a whole year isolated from planet earth in the space station, has found that creating a schedule is the best way to successfully adjust to change; and this includes scheduling work as well as fun activities.

1. Accept that it is an anxiety provoking time. It is okay to be anxious. There are so many unknowns, it is normal to be anxious. Let go of the shame if you feel any and do not beat yourself up about it. Some anxiety is good, it keeps us safe, it helps us act. Anxiety can get worse when you get upset that you are becoming more anxious. So, if you are becoming mad at yourself or feeling embarrassed by how much anxiety you have, STOP, tell yourself that it is okay and normal to be anxious. Remind yourself that some anxiety is good and normal.
2. Turn off the alerts/news. Yes, you need to be informed but you can control the updates and schedule them to my needs. Alerts/updates/news 24/7 may lead to anxiety 24/7. Set aside time to get yourself updated and have coping skills planned for immediately following my news update. For example, spend 20 minutes updating yourself then go for a walk. Consider not updating first thing in the morning to start possibly start my day with anxiety or right before bed setting you up for less sleep. Turning off alerts and news might also mean staying off social media where every other post is about Coronavirus. Consider some level of Unplugging.
3. Along the same lines of unplugging, also stop talking about the health crisis excessively. Again, yes, it is good to share ideas and information, but you do not need to be talking about it all the time. Talking about it with others that are struggling with anxiety could only heighten my own anxiety. While some anxiety can be helpful to keeping yourself and others safe, extensive amounts is what you want to avoid.
4. Amp up the self-care. Engaging in self-care even when you aren’t struggling with anxiety or feeling anxious in that moment is good practice. The goal is that self-care becomes a habit and part of my routine. That way when you are overwhelmed with anxiety it is not hard to start or think of what to do. Some ideas of what to do now: Baths. Walks. Reading. Journaling. Arts and crafts. Scrapbooking. Gardening. Woodwork. At home work out/yoga videos. Netflix, catch up on movies. Be productive – home organizing, deep cleaning. Mediation (there are a ton of guided mediations available online or through apps if you don’t know where to start).
5. My final tip encourages you to use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It can be difficult, but also very helpful. CBT is about recognizing when you have unhelpful thinking and changing it. Some common unhelpful thinking patterns happening now with the Coronavirus are:
   • Predicting the future: Thoughts about the future that you think fact but really predictions that you are unable to know for sure will happen. Example: “My parents are going to get it and not be okay.”
     Instead: “My parents are using safe health practices and will be okay.”
   • Catastrophizing: Thinking the worst. Example: “I’ll have to take so much time off work I won’t be able to pay the bills and end up homeless.”
     Instead: “I may need to take time off work and bills will be tough, but we can survive this. I can get through this difficult time.”

     While these things could happen, anything could happen, and you don’t know for sure. Yes, this is a difficult time with a lot of unknowns but constantly thinking thoughts that are not facts breeds more anxiety which ultimately is unhelpful. When you find yourself predicting the future or catastrophizing, tell yourself to STOP, and try a replacement thought that is more helpful (doesn’t create more anxiety) and true. For example: “This is a difficult time and I am worried about what might happen.”

This year I went on an epic backpacking trip that challenged my body and soul in ways that I had underestimated. The trip brought me out of the country and onto a trail that was rated difficult to strenuous. I suffered through different types of terrain from beach rock-hopping to canopy covered up and down switchbacks to scaling muddy walls with rope all whilst carrying backpacks filled with my supplies. It was every sense of an adventure. When I reflect back on the trip, so many memories fill my heart and mind with gratitude of the struggle and triumph.

Moreover, while backpacking is a wholly individual process and experience, it is also an incredible group journey. Along the trail, we came across other backpackers and every single one of them was ready and willing to help with offers of sharing water or warnings of what to expect ahead or even a simple statement of encouragement that says “you got this!”. On one particularly strenuous day of hiking, we came to a creek crossing that involved scaling down a muddy embankment using only a rope that was left behind. It involved crossing the creek, and then climbing up another muddy and slippery embankment with a different rope to reach the next part of the trail. When we arrived, there were two other groups helping each other down and up either side of the embankment and as we walked up, they were eager to extend their helping hands to my group—a complete set of strangers.

What’s more, a part of being on a busy trail is being aware of arriving to my destination camp at a reasonable time in order to secure a good camp site for the night. When you are on a trail with others, campsites become limited and you run the risk of not securing one. That was not a factor that seemed to influence these backpackers as much as was their generosity of spirit to help another. They lifted my heavy backpacks and helped us navigate the slippery slopes. Once we maneuvered ourselves down and up, another group had arrived behind us. Since we were extended the kindness of others, it felt only natural to pay it forward and do the same for the other group. A chain reaction of generosity and support ensued.

Now, when I look back on that particular trip, memories and feelings from those interactions overwhelm me with gratitude. It is those moments of genuine kindness from complete strangers that stick with me and give me hope on days blanketed with a cover of bleakness. They are fuel to keep my engine running.

A smile to a stranger, a phone call to a friend, a written note saying hello, holding the door one extra second for someone else are all ways to slow down and create connections with simple acts of kindness. So during this season of gratitude and giving, take notice of the small kindnesses that others show and become a piece of that kindness chain reaction. May it give my soul fuel through the holiday season and beyond.

Check out this short Youtube video on The Science of Kindness:

Mental health affects everyone regardless of identity, yet identity can greatly influence one’s access to mental health care. When seeking support, many barriers can prevent access to appropriate care including, but not limited to:

• Language barriers
• Cost
• Structural barriers such as transportation
• Challenges with healthcare and/or lack of health coverage
• Cultural stigma associated with seeking mental health treatment

As an Asian-American whose life is intertwined with mental health both personally and professionally, I see the biggest barrier to accessing mental health treatment for the Asian community as the cultural stigma associated with the idea of needing mental health support. My own family members or friends of family have commented on their skepticism of my own journey into the field of mental health as they don’t quite understand the legitimacy of diseases that cannot be seen. The mentality seems to be “If it can’t be seen, then it doesn’t need to be fixed and/or it is just a phase that one can get over in time.” The other barrier that goes hand-in-hand with this sentiment is the normalization of avoidance – if a family member does experience any form of mental health issue, then the first line of defense is to hide them away from public view and save face by denying acknowledgment. I have and continue to work through the cultural conflict of silence versus voice. Growing up, feelings weren’t readily acknowledged and I witnessed the avoidance of recognition for those within my family who suffered in silence. By simply being in the field of therapy, I challenged the norm of my family’s culture and shed light onto areas that had been hidden in the dark for as long as I could remember.

There is a strong need within the Asian community to fight the stigma and normalize the fact that mental health is an essential piece of overall well-being along with sleep, diet and exercise. I, within my own family and community, continue to learn how to be engaged in the conversation with family about how to acknowledge and discuss mental health issues that affect us all in order to lift the shroud of shame associated with seeking support.

This all comes from my personal perspective and experience of how I have seen culture shape the experience of mental health and wellbeing within the cultural dynamic of my family. In the Bay Area, we live in a place known for its rich cultural diversity. Meeting the unique needs of each community requires culturally responsive solutions to adequately and appropriately address the nuances that may not be outwardly known. I can always participate in the ongoing effort to develop awareness through education and knowledge of what resources are available to help reduce the gap between need and access. I am including a short list of local resources for my diverse community which you can look through for yourself and share with friends and/or family.

At Therapy2Thrive, we recognize the importance and value that culture plays in my lives and understand how it shapes my daily experiences. If you would like to speak to any of my clinicians regarding my own support or support for a family or friend, please don’t hesitate to reach out and start a conversation with us.

Asian Pacific Psychological Services
431 30th St. Suite A, Oakland, CA 94609
(510) 835-2777

Bay Area Muslim Therapists
Bayareamuslimtherapists.org

Christian Counseling Center
111 Deerwood Rd. Suite 360, San Ramon, CA 94538
(925) 621-0719
http://www.christiancounselingcenters.org/ 

Community Health for Asian Americans (CHAA)
1141 Harbor Bay Parkway
Alameda, CA 94502
(510) 835-2777
https://chaaweb.org/